Meet Polly Tix, the no-nonsense, all-knowing guru of political absurdity. With not one, but three master’s degrees in Political Science, Public Policy, and Interpretive Dance (don’t ask), Polly is the ultimate authority on everything from filibusters to fundraising scandals. A self-proclaimed “Professor Emerita of Capitol Chaos,” she’s spent decades decoding the fine art of dodging questions, spinning stories, and surviving bipartisan potlucks. Whether it’s untangling legislative jargon or dissecting the latest Twitter war between politicians who should really know better, Polly delivers advice with a sharp wit and an even sharper tongue. She’s your go-to for navigating the swamp—with humor, a touch of sass, and an encyclopedic knowledge of every scandal since Watergate. Got a question? Don’t worry, Polly knows her sh*t. And if she doesn’t, she’ll fake it better than a campaign promise.
Dear Polly,
I’m a junior congressman, and I recently promised my constituents that I’d single-handedly lower gas prices by “taking on Big Oil.” The problem is, I don’t actually know how gas prices work. Can I fake my way through this, or should I just blame Canada?- Gassed Out in Georgia
Dear Gassed Out,
Ah, the classic “overpromise, underdeliver” strategy! Don’t worry, you’re in good company—it’s practically a rite of passage in politics. Here’s what you do:
Step 1: Blame someone vague but menacing, like “shadowy speculators” or “an elite cabal of tire manufacturers.” Nobody knows what that means, but it sounds ominous.
Step 2: Hold a press conference at a gas station, preferably one with catchy signage like “Joe’s Pump-n-Go.” Say something about “demanding accountability” while gesturing dramatically toward the snack aisle.
Step 3: If all else fails, throw Canada under the bus. They’ll apologize before you finish your sentence.
Good luck, and remember: it’s not about fixing the problem, it’s about looking outraged while pretending to try. – Polly
Dear Polly,
Every time I try to pass a bill, the opposing party filibusters until I give up. Last week, I tried slipping in some amendments about infrastructure spending, and they debated the definition of “road” for nine hours. How do I win against these tactics?- Frustrated in Florida
Dear Frustrated,
Ah, filibusters: the political version of holding your breath until you turn blue. Here’s how to fight back:
Option 1: Out-weird them. Introduce a bill so ridiculous they can’t even filibuster with a straight face. I recommend something like the “National Day of Mandatory Disco Dancing Act.” Who’s going to argue with that?
Option 2: Fight fire with fire. During their next filibuster, set up a popcorn machine in the chamber and start live-tweeting their speech with hashtags like #HotAirMarathon and #TalkTilYouDrop.
Option 3: Embrace the chaos. Announce that you’re proposing 72 consecutive bills, each one slightly more absurd than the last. By Bill #18 (“Mandatory Cat Hats for Federal Employees”), they’ll give up just to save their sanity.
Remember, politics isn’t about winning—it’s about making everyone else lose first. – Polly
Dear Polly,
I’m a governor, and my state recently legalized recreational “herbal refreshments,” if you catch my drift. Now my opponents are accusing me of trying to turn our state into “Woodstock 2.0.” Worse, my own staff keeps giggling during meetings and using terms like “420 policy initiatives.” How do I handle this without looking like a total buzzkill?- Stressed in Colorado
Dear Stressed,
First of all, congratulations on your state’s booming new industry and the inevitable uptick in sales of snack foods and lava lamps. Now, let’s address your problem. To avoid looking like a buzzkill, lean into it—strategically, of course. Instead of fighting the “Woodstock 2.0” label, reframe it. Say something like, “We’re not just making brownies—we’re baking a better future.” You’ll sound visionary, and nobody can argue with a good pun.
As for your staff, it’s time for some professional boundaries. Enforce a strict “no giggling during budget discussions” rule but allow them to use code names for fun—perhaps “Operation Mellow.” That way, they can still enjoy themselves without making your cabinet meetings feel like an open mic night at a comedy club.
And hey, when in doubt, remember: even when the opposition is coming at you, you can always remind them that the real green your state is making is in tax revenue. – Polly
