In a groundbreaking revelation that stunned the world, Donald J. Trump has reportedly discovered the cure for the Monday blues. The former president and real estate mogul, now self-proclaimed “Doctor of Happiness,” announced his findings in a press conference held at the luxurious Trump Tower, surrounded by golden chairs, diamond-studded microphones, and his signature flair for the dramatic.
“The Best Cure, Folks. The Best.”
According to Trump, the cure for the dreaded Monday blues is nothing short of revolutionary. “No one knows Mondays better than I do,” he proclaimed confidently. “I’ve had the best Mondays—some say the greatest Mondays in history. Believe me, nobody cures them like I do.”
The solution? Waking up to a full-length recording of Donald Trump reading his autobiography, The Art of the Deal, on repeat. “People say it’s inspiring. Tremendous, even. The sound of my voice motivates like nothing else,” he explained. “It’s a voice that built an empire, folks. And now, it’s building happiness.”
The World Reacts
While Trump’s supporters immediately declared the discovery a miracle, experts in both psychology and audiology are, well, skeptical. “Listening to him talk for hours might cure your Monday blues simply because you’d want Tuesday to arrive faster,” joked one psychologist.
However, the announcement was met with enthusiasm by Trump’s fanbase. A Florida retiree named Shirley said, “I’ve never felt better about Mondays! I play his tape while eating my Trump Steaks and sipping Trump Water.”
The Patent Process Begins
Trump wasted no time trademarking his “Monday Cure” as the “Greatest American Discovery.” His lawyers reportedly filed patents to ensure no one else could use the phrase “Monday Blues” without paying royalties.
“I’m going to make Mondays so profitable,” Trump said, grinning. “People will pay for happiness, folks. They’ll pay big. And I’m the guy who delivers.”
Critics Speak Out
Of course, not everyone was on board. Critics have pointed out that Trump’s “cure” might be less about happiness and more about self-promotion. One unnamed senator quipped, “If this works, it’s because people are so eager to stop listening to him that they’ll jump into productivity just to escape.”
Meanwhile, scientists have called for more rigorous testing. “We’re not sure listening to The Art of the Deal is a sustainable long-term solution,” said a Harvard researcher. “But, hey, stranger things have worked.”
Plans for Expansion
Never one to stop at a single success, Trump hinted at future ventures. “We’re working on something even bigger—something so incredible,” he teased. “I’m calling it ‘Trump Tuesdays.’ Wait until you hear about it.”
In the meantime, Trump’s “Monday Cure” package, complete with a gold-plated cassette player and limited-edition headphones shaped like his hair, is available for pre-order on his website for $199.99.
Conclusion
Whether you’re a diehard Trump fan or someone who’s just looking for a bizarre way to kickstart your week, one thing’s for sure: Mondays will never be the same again. “With my voice,” Trump declared, “every day will be like winning the presidency. Twice.”
And just like that, Donald Trump might have found his true calling—not as a politician, but as the world’s most improbable happiness guru. Whether you believe in the cure or not, at least it’s good for a laugh. Or a cringe. Or both.
