In a dramatic escalation of political rhetoric that feels like a cross between a mafia movie and a PTA meeting gone rogue, Donald Trump’s incoming “border czar” Tom Homan has announced plans to turn Chicago into the epicenter of America’s largest game of hide-and-seek. Except this time, the stakes include mass deportations and federal prosecutions.
Speaking at what can only be described as a “GOP holiday hoedown,” Homan didn’t mince words. “Your mayor sucks, your governor sucks, and frankly, the pizza here is overrated,” he may as well have added, solidifying his role as the holiday Grinch Chicago didn’t know it needed.
“Get the hell out of the way,” Homan declared, as though auditioning for a reboot of Walker, Texas Ranger. “If your mayor impedes us, I’ll prosecute him.” This, of course, raises the question: Will the next season of Law & Order feature mayors going to jail for potholes, or just harboring immigrants?
A Billion-Dollar Game of Monopoly—But Everyone Loses
The plan reportedly involves deploying a federal crackdown with a price tag as hefty as a Chicago winter heating bill—$1 trillion over 11 years. Apparently, the administration believes this figure is totally reasonable because, hey, nothing screams “fiscal conservatism” like blowing the national budget on a political vanity project.
While Homan insists the operation is aimed at “lawbreakers,” experts say that most targets are ordinary folks living otherwise mundane lives—think PTA meetings, work commutes, and waiting in line for overpriced Starbucks lattes. But don’t worry, if you’re near someone ICE really wants, you might get a one-way ticket out of the country too, because “he forced me into that position,” Homan explained, perhaps channeling his inner action hero.
Family Values (With a Twist)
When pressed on deporting entire families, Homan struck a tone that can only be described as shrugging through a megaphone. “I’m not looking to separate families
but if it happens, well, that’s on you,” he said, sounding a lot like a guy blaming his dog for eating his homework.
Dreamers, the young immigrants covered by DACA, also weren’t spared. They apparently have two options: “take a child home with you, or they just stay here,” Homan said, as if pitching a dystopian new board game: Deportation Roulette.
Chicago to ICE: Hold My Beer
Unsurprisingly, Chicago leaders have responded with a defiance that makes the city’s mob-era folklore look tame. Mayor Brandon Johnson and Illinois Governor JB Pritzker collectively rolled their eyes so hard they probably sprained something. Governor Pritzker, focusing on what he called “competence instead of chaos,” essentially told Homan to get back to him when his proposals stop sounding like rejected Michael Bay scripts.
Meanwhile, Congresswoman Delia Ramirez went full-on Braveheart, warning Homan he’d better “be ready to meet the resistance.” She then added, “We plan to get ALL UP IN YOUR WAY,” proving once again that Chicagoans never back down from a fight, whether it’s over politics, pizza toppings, or which expressway to hate the most.
In the end, while Trump’s border czar might dream of Chicago as ground zero for his mass deportation plans, it’s clear the city has other ideas. After all, this is Chicago—where the winters are icy, the politics are spicy, and you don’t tell people to “get out of the way” unless you’re prepared to dodge a deep-dish pizza to the face.
