In a shocking move that somehow isn’t shocking anymore, Elon Musk has announced that his tenure as “Chief Twit” has evolved into a full-blown dictatorship. During a late-night Twitter Spaces session—attended by approximately 12 users, three bots, and one confused grandma—Musk declared himself “Supreme Overlord of Twitter,” promising sweeping reforms that will “bring the platform into a golden era of chaos and mildly amusing memes.”
The Great Renaming
First on Musk’s agenda is a complete overhaul of the Gregorian calendar as it applies to Twitter. “We’re stuck in a rut with ‘Monday,’ ‘Tuesday,’ all that boring nonsense,” Musk tweeted shortly after the announcement. “Starting next week, the days will reflect the true spirit of Twitter.”
Here’s the new schedule Musk proposed:
Meme-day: Formerly Monday, dedicated entirely to sharing memes (no exceptions, or your account is shadowbanned).
Edit-button Eve: Tuesday will now honor the mythical feature that still doesn’t work for half the users.
Woke Wednesday: A day for endless debates that resolve nothing.
Thirstday: Thursday is reserved for posting selfies and unnecessary thirst traps.
Flamewar Friday: The traditional day of arguments about pineapple on pizza.
Subpoena Saturday: A nod to the growing legal actions Musk faces weekly.
Suspension Sunday: Accounts will be randomly banned as part of a new “engagement experiment.”
Musk insists this is the future of online social engagement. “It’s innovative, it’s disruptive, and it’s better than whatever Zuckerberg is doing,” he said while wearing a t-shirt that read, Mars > Metaverse.
A New Verification System
In a related decree, Musk announced that the Twitter verification system will undergo yet another revamp. Gone are the old blue checks, the fleeting $8 subscriptions, and even the random assignment of green and gold checks for reasons no one ever understood.
The new verification badges include:
A Red Rocket: For anyone who publicly praises Musk at least three times a week.
A Shiny Bitcoin Emoji: For crypto enthusiasts who paid for their badge using Dogecoin, “because it’s funny.”
The Shadow Check: An invisible badge that users claim to have but no one can see.
When asked if this new system could lead to even more confusion, Musk responded, “Confusion is the product.”
Introducing “Xcoins”
In an effort to monetize Twitter further, Musk has unveiled “Xcoins,” a cryptocurrency exclusively for use on the platform. According to Musk, Xcoins will be the new currency for:
Retweets: 5 Xcoins per retweet.
Comments: 2 Xcoins, unless it’s sarcastic—then it’s 10.
Reporting Spam: 50 Xcoins (payable to the spammer).
In a press release, Musk said, “Xcoins will revolutionize online interactions and fund my Mars colony at the same time. Everyone wins. Well, mostly me.”
Reactions Pour In
Reactions to Musk’s announcements have been predictably chaotic. His most loyal fans applauded the moves, with one tweeting, “Finally, someone’s fixing Twitter! All hail Supreme Overlord Musk!” Others, less impressed, called for his removal. One user wrote, “Can we just go back to when Twitter was for oversharing lunch photos? Asking for humanity.”
Rival tech magnates couldn’t resist chiming in. Mark Zuckerberg, likely through a PR team member, tweeted, “This isn’t innovation—it’s nonsense.” Musk responded with a photo of a smoking rocket captioned, “Cope and seethe.”
What’s Next?
Musk has promised that these changes are just the beginning. Future plans include:
-Turning Twitter’s headquarters into a giant laser-tag arena.
-A monthly “Purge Day” where all tweets are permanently deleted, creating “digital freedom.”
-Developing an algorithm that replaces ads with random Elon quotes.
When asked for a timeline on these updates, Musk tweeted, “Soon™.” Analysts speculate that could mean anything from next week to the next Ice Age.
While some users are deleting their accounts in protest, others are eagerly awaiting the chaos to come. Love him or hate him, one thing’s for sure: Musk’s reign as Supreme Overlord of Twitter is already proving to be the most entertaining soap opera on the internet. Stay tuned—just make sure you’ve got enough Xcoins to comment.
