In a scene that could only happen in the fever dream of a news cycle gone off the rails, a president-elect, Elon Musk, and a TikTok influencer walk into a bar. It sounds like the start of a joke, but by the end of the night, it’s clear that reality has abandoned us entirely.
Act I: The President-Elect Orders a Water (But Only Because He’s on Camera)
The president-elect—unnamed but clearly wearing an American flag pin large enough to double as a Frisbee—steps up to the bar. “I’ll take a sparkling water,” he says loudly, making sure everyone within earshot knows he’s virtuous enough to hydrate yet relatable enough to sparkle.
The bartender doesn’t even blink. “Would you like a paper straw?” they ask. The president-elect freezes. It’s a trap. Endorse the straw, and he alienates the plastic lobby. Decline it, and he risks losing the eco-conscious TikTok vote. “Uh
I’ll drink it straight from the can,” he mutters, immediately regretting his lack of decisiveness.
Meanwhile, a staffer off to the side scribbles “WORK ON STRAW POLICY” into a leather notebook.
Act II: Elon Musk Orders Chaos
Next, Elon Musk saunters in, wearing a t-shirt that says I AM THE ALGORITHM. He glances at the drink menu, then throws it to the ground. “No need for this!” he declares. “I’m disrupting the concept of menus. Everyone orders based on their gut instincts now.”
He turns to the bartender. “I’ll have a shot of Teslaquila,” he says, referring to the discontinued spirit he once sold as a joke.
“We don’t carry that,” the bartender replies.
“Fine. Make me something called The Hyperloop—it doesn’t matter what’s in it, as long as it costs $12 billion and no one understands how it works.”
The bartender nods and starts pouring random liquors into a futuristic-looking glass, while Musk takes a seat at the bar and begins live-tweeting the encounter. “Bartender didn’t know who I was. Sad! #BarDisruption.”
Act III: The TikTok Influencer Makes It Weird
Finally, the TikTok influencer bursts through the door, holding their phone aloft as if it’s a holy relic. “HEY GUYS, I’m at THIS CRAZY BAR with the PRESIDENT-ELECT and ELON MUSK!” they shout into the camera.
The influencer orders a “Barbiecore Martini,” which the bartender pretends to understand, and immediately begins a livestream. “This drink SLAYS, and so does democracy!” they yell.
The president-elect, attempting to look approachable, sidles up to the influencer and waves awkwardly. “Can we take a selfie?” they ask, trying to win over Gen Z voters.
“Ew, no,” the influencer replies. “You’re not trending.”
Act IV: The Debate
As the night wears on, the trio engages in a heated debate about the state of the world.
The president-elect insists his plan to bring America together is to create a bipartisan task force on karaoke. Musk interrupts to propose colonizing Mars as a backup karaoke venue. “Earth’s acoustics are trash,” he says.
The TikTok influencer counters by suggesting everyone just “vibe” instead. “We could, like, manifest world peace if we all just followed my crystal ASMR account,” they say earnestly.
Act V: The Fallout
By the end of the night, Musk has tried to buy the bar three times, offering to rename it “BarX” and replace all the chairs with flamethrowers. The president-elect leaves with a suspiciously large campaign donation from Musk, while the TikTok influencer uploads a heavily edited video of the encounter titled “Elon Called Me a Genius???” which racks up 3 million views in under an hour.
The bartender, meanwhile, pours themselves a drink. “I hate this place,” they mutter, watching as the trio stumbles out into the night, loudly discussing a group project to create a blockchain for karaoke machines.
Somewhere, the universe sighs.
