Washington, D.C.—In an unprecedented move, lawmakers on Capitol Hill declared the snowfall blanketing the city to be a “national legislative emergency,” temporarily shutting down all operations in Congress. The announcement came after a bipartisan consensus deemed the accumulation of 2.5 inches of snow more disruptive than the average filibuster.
“The situation is dire,” announced Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer during a hastily called press conference. “This snowfall has brought Congress to a standstill, not because we can’t get here, but because none of us own winter boots. You expect a senator to wear galoshes? Preposterous.”
Blizzard vs. Bureaucracy
The decision to shut down came after heated debates in both chambers. Republican lawmakers argued that the snowstorm is part of a liberal plot to promote the Green New Deal. “It’s no coincidence that this blizzard hit right after climate talks,” claimed Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s clear this is government-controlled weather, and it’s out to get us.”
Democrats, on the other hand, pushed for immediate funding to distribute emergency scarves and mittens to Congress members. “We can’t legislate when we’re shivering,” Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi remarked. “The American people deserve representatives who are warm and cozy while fighting for justice.”
Who Will Clear the Path?
The storm has sparked a debate over who is responsible for clearing the snow on Capitol Hill. Republicans suggested outsourcing to private contractors, while Democrats proposed a unionized workforce of snow shovelers paid a living wage. An independent senator suggested a third option: letting the snow melt naturally while lawmakers focus on “big-picture issues like naming post offices.”
A joint session planned to resolve the snow crisis was derailed when members could not agree on the temperature of the chamber’s thermostat. Senator Bernie Sanders accused his colleagues of “turning this place into a tropical vacation,” while Senator Mitch McConnell called for “a return to good, old-fashioned frostbite.”
Emergency Measures
Despite the shutdown, the White House released a statement urging calm. “President Biden assures the nation that he has ordered FEMA to deploy emergency snowplows and a steady supply of cocoa to Capitol Hill,” said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “Additionally, the First Lady has offered to knit scarves for any lawmaker in need.”
Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris offered a more philosophical take on the crisis. “Snowflakes are like politicians,” she said with a chuckle. “Individually harmless, but collectively they can bring the whole system to its knees.”
The Real Casualties: Lobbyists
Perhaps the hardest hit by the Capitol shutdown are the lobbyists, many of whom were stranded in coffee shops without access to their usual backdoor meetings. “We’re the real victims here,” said one unnamed pharmaceutical lobbyist. “How am I supposed to influence legislation when I can’t even get a cappuccino?”
As the snowfall continues to cripple the city, many are left wondering if Washington will ever recover. But for now, one thing is certain: while Congress may be buried in snow, they’ve never been more united in their ability to accomplish absolutely nothing.
