In a rare moment of unity, Congress has come together to address the most pressing issue of our time: the disappearance of cat videos following the impending TikTok ban. A newly formed bipartisan task force, dubbed the “Cat Video Preservation Committee,” held its first meeting this morning to discuss alternatives for America’s favorite digital pastime.
The Crisis at Hand
“We’re not just talking about cute kittens here,” said Senator Pawl Simon, the task force’s chair. “We’re talking about an entire cultural ecosystem that fosters joy, unity, and a much-needed escape from political bickering.”
The committee was formed after an outcry from citizens who rely on TikTok’s infinite supply of felines knocking over glasses, chasing laser pointers, and judging their owners with disapproving stares.
“Where are we supposed to turn for our daily dose of dopamine?” lamented one task force member. “Instagram? YouTube? Some bootleg cat-video app?”
Evaluating Alternatives
The subcommittee’s first order of business was a comprehensive review of YouTube’s cat video archives. Lawmakers spent hours watching classics like “Keyboard Cat” and “Surprised Kitty,” though disagreements quickly arose.
“Sure, YouTube is great for retro cat content,” said Senator Tabby Carter. “But TikTok has revolutionized the genre. The pacing, the music, the memes—it’s irreplaceable!”
Some suggested exploring niche platforms like “MeowTube” and “PurrVids,” while others proposed government-funded initiatives to create a new, publicly accessible cat video repository.
Opposition and Debate
Not everyone is on board with the task force’s priorities. Critics argue that Congress should focus on more important issues, like healthcare or infrastructure.
“You’re telling me we’re spending taxpayer dollars on cat videos?” fumed one anonymous congressman. “Next thing you know, we’ll be debating the merits of dog videos versus ferret content.”
However, task force members defended their mission, pointing out that in a polarized nation, cat videos are one of the few things everyone can agree on.
Public Reaction
Americans are divided on the task force’s efforts. Some have praised the initiative as a necessary step to preserve happiness in a world fraught with challenges. Others have started their own grassroots campaigns, urging Congress to pass a “Cat Video Access Bill.”
“I don’t care if it’s on YouTube, TikTok, or projected onto the Capitol building—I just need my daily cat fix,” said one impassioned citizen during a public forum.
What’s Next?
The task force plans to release a formal report next month, complete with recommendations for a sustainable future for online cat content. In the meantime, lawmakers are urging the public to download their favorite TikTok videos before the ban takes effect.
As Senator Simon put it in his closing remarks, “This isn’t just about saving cat videos—it’s about saving America’s soul.”
