Loyal supporters encouraged to ‘act now’ for clemency coupons.
In a bold and entirely unprecedented move, President Donald Trump has unveiled what he calls the “Pardon Palooza Program,” offering group discounts on presidential pardons for those who plan to attend future protests in his honor. The announcement, delivered from a podium at Mar-a-Lago surrounded by gold-plated golf trophies, has already sent waves of excitement—and confusion—throughout the political world.
“Look, folks, pardons are like real estate. You buy in bulk, you get the best deal,” Trump explained to a crowd of devoted supporters. “So why not pass the savings along to the American people—well, the best American people.”
Discount Details
The program, described in a glossy flyer distributed at the event, offers tiered discounts based on group size and charges incurred.
-
Bronze Level: 5% off for groups of 10 or more with misdemeanors like trespassing or jaywalking.
-
Silver Level: 15% off for groups of 25+ facing low-level felony charges.
-
Gold Level: 30% off for groups of 50 or more charged with “making America great in inconvenient locations,” as the flyer states.
Every package comes with a coupon booklet redeemable for exclusive Trump merchandise, including commemorative “I Was Pardoned by the Best” hats.
“Act Now” Offer
During his speech, Trump emphasized the time-sensitive nature of the deal, noting that groups who sign up before the next major rally will also receive a limited-edition pardon certificate embossed with his signature and an image of Mar-a-Lago. “These are collector’s items, folks. Believe me, they’re already on eBay for thousands,” Trump added.
Critics Call It a ‘Constitutional Clearance Sale’
Not everyone is applauding the initiative. Legal scholars and political analysts have been quick to criticize what they describe as a blatant commodification of presidential powers. “It’s as if he’s running a clearance sale on democracy,” said one constitutional law professor. “What’s next? A subscription service for recurring pardons?”
Democratic leaders were equally scathing. “This is a mockery of justice,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren. “And why didn’t I think of offering coupon codes for my policies?”
Supporters See Genius
On the other side of the aisle, Trump’s base is ecstatic. “Finally, someone’s making justice accessible for hardworking Americans,” said rally attendee Mike “Big Patriot” Johnson. “Plus, it’s nice to know I can budget for my next protest.”
A newly formed group on social media, the “Pardon Patriots,” has already begun organizing carpool systems to maximize savings under the Gold Level plan. “It’s just smart protesting,” said one organizer.
The Fine Print
The flyer includes a disclaimer in small print: “Offer not valid in Washington, D.C., or states where Trump Hotel properties are unavailable. All pardons are final. Terms and conditions may apply.”
What’s Next?
With critics and supporters alike buzzing, Trump is reportedly considering expanding the program to include “VIP Pardon Packages” that come with backstage access to future rallies and a photo op with the man himself. Legal experts are still debating the program’s constitutionality, but Trump remains confident. “Look, everyone wins with this deal,” he said. “It’s the art of the pardon.”
As the nation awaits further details, one thing is certain: in the Trump era, justice has never been so… negotiable.
