MOSCOW — In a bold move to solidify Russia’s dominance in both athletics and international meddling, President Vladimir Putin has officially announced the country’s new national sport: the Election Interference Relay Race. The competition, which reportedly replaces ice hockey as Russia’s top athletic priority, is being hailed as a “revolutionary fusion of endurance, cyber warfare, and good old-fashioned ballot tampering.”
The Rules of the Game
Unlike traditional relay races, where speed and agility determine victory, the Election Interference Relay is judged based on disinformation spread, ballot disruptions, and overall impact on democratic institutions. The race consists of four “legs,” each requiring competitors to master a key interference tactic:
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Social Media Sprint: Competitors must create and distribute as many misleading viral posts as possible before the next leg. Bonus points are awarded for deepfake videos and AI-generated outrage bait.
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Ballot Box Obstacle Course: Athletes navigate a field filled with electronic voting machines while attempting to install malware, all while dodging pesky election observers and independent journalists.
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Hackathon Hurdles: Participants race against time to breach political party email servers, with extra credit given for well-timed document leaks that strategically influence public perception.
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Diplomatic Damage Control Dash: The final leg requires competitors to deny all wrongdoing in front of international media, using a perfect blend of gaslighting, whataboutism, and strategic bare-chested horseback riding to convince skeptics.
At the end of the race, the team that causes the most chaos without officially being caught wins gold.
Global Reaction: The Olympics Have Questions
International sporting bodies have expressed mixed reactions to Russia’s announcement. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has stated that it is “closely monitoring” the situation but has yet to clarify whether Election Interference Relay will be included in the 2032 Olympic Games.
A spokesperson for the United Nations issued a carefully worded statement, saying, “While we do not officially recognize election interference as a sport, we acknowledge that certain countries have been training for this event for decades.”
America’s Response: A National Security Drill?
The White House initially dismissed the sport as a “Russian propaganda stunt,” but sources suggest that U.S. officials are taking the competition seriously. According to an anonymous cybersecurity expert, the NSA and CIA have already started training simulations to “counter the competition.” Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump has enthusiastically endorsed the new sport, stating, “If Russia wins, I still win. That’s just how it works, folks.”
Putin’s Vision for the Future of Competitive Meddling
In a press conference unveiling the sport, Putin declared, “Election interference is not just a skill, it is an art—one that deserves global recognition and Olympic glory.” He went on to personally demonstrate the Ballot Box Obstacle Course by casually unplugging a voting machine and blaming Ukraine for the power outage.
When asked whether Russia would allow international competitors to participate, Putin smirked and responded, “Of course! But just remember—our judges will be counting the votes.”
What’s Next?
With the inaugural Election Interference Relay set to be held during the 2025 Russian Elections, critics argue that the event is just a rebranding of standard election manipulation tactics. However, Russian officials maintain that this is merely an “athletic celebration of strategy, precision, and state-sponsored disinformation.”
As the world watches, one thing remains clear: if there’s a gold medal to be won in election interference, Russia plans to take it home.
Stay tuned to Politicule for more satirical coverage of global political absurdity—where the only thing more rigged than the competition is the officiating.
