The Ultimate Immigration Policy—Gamified!
In a bold fusion of reality TV, mob rule, and mobile app addiction, former President Donald Trump has unveiled ‘Deportify’, a new app that puts immigration decisions directly into the hands of everyday Americans. Borrowing heavily from dating apps, the platform allows users to swipe left to deport an undocumented individual or swipe right to let them stay.
“The best, most efficient deportation system ever invented,” Trump boasted at a mar-a-Lago press conference, flanked by oversized iPhone mockups displaying the app’s interface. “It’s Tinder for national security, folks. No complicated forms, no boring court hearings. Just a simple swipe—and boom, problem solved!”
How ‘Deportify’ Works
The app’s AI algorithm (code-named ‘The Wall’) scans users’ locations and presents profiles of undocumented individuals near them. Each profile includes:
✔️ A photo, provided by mystery sources (possibly social media, Ring doorbells, or that one nosy neighbor).
✔️ A star rating system, where users can upvote or downvote a person’s ‘Americaness’ based on how many cheeseburgers they’ve eaten or if they can name at least three NASCAR drivers.
✔️ A deportation history tracker, which lets users see how many people they’ve “removed” and compare stats with friends in a fun, competitive leaderboard.
✔️ A VIP “Gold Pass” Subscription, allowing elite users (Trump donors, Florida retirees, Mar-a-Lago staff) to bypass swiping altogether and instantly deport anyone with the press of a “Patriot Button.”
Trump’s Grand Vision for Deportify
Trump explained that Deportify is part of his long-term plan to “Make Deportation Fun Again.” He envisions it working seamlessly with his other proposed innovations:
✈️ DeportAir Airlines – One-way flights for selected swipe-lefts.
🚢 The USS Freedom Cruise – The cruise where nobody returns.
🏆 Reality Show Spin-off – A competition where the top 10 users with the most deportations get a free weekend at Mar-a-Lago and an honorary ICE badge.
Public Reactions
While Trump supporters hailed the app as the “Uber of Immigration Control,” critics from human rights organizations were visibly horrified. Civil liberties groups have compared Deportify to “Judge Judy meets an authoritarian state.” One activist commented, “This is basically the dystopian lovechild of Black Mirror and a MAGA rally.”
Meanwhile, technical glitches in the beta version have accidentally flagged several Mar-a-Lago golf caddies and half of the Trump Organization’s housekeeping staff. However, Trump dismissed concerns, stating: “They’re probably illegal anyway. If not, they can swipe their way back in.”
What’s Next?
Despite the backlash, Deportify is set to launch on Truth Social, Google Play, and the Dark Web next month. Trump hinted at a potential Apple release, though Elon Musk has already offered to integrate the app into Tesla’s autopilot system for “on-the-go deportation convenience.”
As Deportify goes live, one thing is certain: democracy has officially been reduced to a swipe.
