WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking bipartisan agreement, Congress has voted to replace itself with a giant Magic 8-Ball after a recent study found that the toy makes better legislative decisions than elected officials.
The decision follows decades of gridlock, incomprehensible spending bills, and heated debates over whether or not to ban TikTok while ignoring, well, literally everything else. The 8-Ball, a staple of childhood decision-making since the 1950s, was tested against current lawmakers in a simulated legislative session, where it shockingly outperformed Congress in passing meaningful policy.
Testing the 8-Ball: A Legislative Triumph
In a series of blind tests, researchers asked both the Magic 8-Ball and Congress critical policy questions:
- Should we pass a budget on time?
- Congress: “We’re going on recess, we’ll figure it out later.”
- Magic 8-Ball: “Yes, definitely.”
- Should lawmakers be required to read the bills they vote on?
- Congress: “We don’t have time for that nonsense.”
- Magic 8-Ball: “Without a doubt.”
- Is insider trading bad when politicians do it?
- Congress: “Uh, we have a dentist appointment, gotta go.”
- Magic 8-Ball: “My reply is no.”
Following these tests, experts determined that the 8-Ball had a 72% higher accuracy rate in decision-making than Congress, primarily because it gave a definitive answer instead of “forming a committee to investigate further.”
A Bold Step Toward Legislative Simplicity
Congressional leaders hailed the move as a cost-cutting measure, estimating that replacing 535 elected officials with a single $9.99 plastic ball could save taxpayers trillions annually.
“The American people demand action, and let’s be honest, we weren’t giving it to them,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Flimsy. “With the Magic 8-Ball, you get instant decisions with zero filibusters, lobbyists, or grandstanding on cable news.”
House Speaker Kevin Baffled also voiced his support. “We tried asking it if politicians should keep getting raises while the minimum wage stays the same. It responded, ‘Don’t count on it.’ That’s when I knew we had to shut this thing down.”
Not Everyone Is on Board
Despite overwhelming support from the public, some lawmakers remain skeptical of their soon-to-be replacement. Senator Ted Wrath (R-TX) argued that the move “sets a dangerous precedent” and suggested the country return to more traditional methods, like flipping a coin or “just letting oil companies write the laws directly.”
Meanwhile, Senator Diane Dozing (D-CA) expressed concern over the 8-Ball’s lack of experience. “Sure, it can answer ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ but can it sit through a six-hour filibuster about the history of corn subsidies? I don’t think so.”
What’s Next?
The official transition is set to take place next month. Congress will hold a final farewell gala before turning over decision-making power to the Magic 8-Ball, with a live-streamed swearing-in ceremony where Chief Justice John Roberts will shake the toy before every Supreme Court ruling.
The White House has also hinted at potential expansions, with President Biden considering replacing his entire cabinet with a stack of Uno reverse cards. “Think about it,” he said. “Anytime Congress tries something dumb, we just slap one down. Boom—instant veto.”
Meanwhile, the public reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. Recent polls show that 78% of Americans have more faith in the 8-Ball than their elected officials, while 22% are too busy shaking their own Magic 8-Balls to respond.
When asked whether the move would lead to a brighter future for America, the 8-Ball gave the most accurate answer yet:
“Ask again later.”
