In a move that has left political analysts and BBQ enthusiasts equally stunned, local Floridian Chad “The Patriot” Henderson declared his backyard an independent nation on Monday afternoon, announcing himself as the Supreme Leader of “Chadistan.” Moments later, he launched a full-scale invasion of his neighbor’s yard, citing “egregious border violations” by his neighbor’s gas grill, which had allegedly encroached “at least two inches” into his sovereign territory.
Declaration of Independence… and War
Inspired by recent global events and possibly too much sun exposure, Henderson reportedly scribbled his Declaration of Independence on the back of a pizza box. According to eyewitnesses, the document read:
“We the People of Chadistan, in order to form a more perfect backyard, do hereby declare freedom from HOA tyranny and grill-related aggression.”
After proudly stapling his flag – a beach towel with a crude drawing of a bald eagle holding a beer – to his patio umbrella, Henderson grabbed a Super Soaker 3000 and shouted, “This is for Freedom!” before charging through the flowerbed that marked the disputed border.
The Great Grill Offensive
His neighbor, Jerry Thompson, was in the midst of flipping burgers when he was ambushed.
“He came out of nowhere, screaming about sovereignty and squirting ketchup packets like they were grenades,” Thompson recalled. “Next thing I know, he’s hoisted my propane tank over his head, declaring it ‘Chadistan’s first national treasure.’”
Henderson then announced a “No Burger Zone” and claimed ownership of Thompson’s lawn gnome, renaming it “Sir Chadwick the Great.”
According to sources, diplomatic relations soured rapidly when Thompson retaliated with a leaf blower counteroffensive, forcing Henderson to retreat behind his inflatable pool, which he immediately designated as a “military fortress.”
International Reactions and Economic Sanctions
The incident has sparked international outrage—or at least, mild annoyance from the HOA. HOA President Martha Calloway condemned the invasion, issuing a formal sanction that includes a $50 fine for “unauthorized flag displays” and a strongly worded email demanding the return of the lawn gnome. “We do not recognize Chadistan’s sovereignty,” Calloway declared. “And we certainly won’t tolerate ketchup stains on Jerry’s driveway.”
Meanwhile, local news has reported that Chadistan’s economy is already in crisis, as Henderson’s only source of revenue appears to be selling novelty “Free Chadistan” t-shirts on Etsy.
Neighborly Peace Talks… Or Not
In a desperate attempt at diplomacy, Thompson offered Henderson a peace treaty in the form of a slightly overcooked hot dog. Henderson rejected the offer, declaring, “Chadistan does not negotiate with culinary terrorists.”
However, experts believe peace may be achieved if Henderson can be convinced to move his grill two inches to the left. At press time, Henderson was seen fortifying his patio with tiki torches, while Thompson was strategically planting thorny bushes along the disputed border.
What’s Next for Chadistan?
According to sources, Henderson is already planning to apply for U.N. recognition, citing his backyard hammock as proof of cultural significance. When asked about the future of Chadistan, Henderson replied, “We will fight to the last beer can to defend our freedom. Also, anyone who wants to visit needs a passport and probably a six-pack.”
