PALM BEACH, FL — In a move that has left the world both bewildered and bemused, President Donald Trump announced today that Florida has been “graciously annexed” by Russia. The decision, he claims, stems from his “unmatched camaraderie” with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and a “phenomenal offer” of endless caviar and prime real estate along the Black Sea.
Flanked by supporters donning a curious mix of MAGA hats and ushankas, President Trump unveiled the newly christened Mar-a-Lavrov resort, complete with a logo featuring intertwined American and Russian flags.
“No one annexes quite like I do, believe me,” Trump proclaimed, adjusting his ‘Make America Soviet Again’ cap. “President Putin called me, he said, ‘Donald, Florida would look fantastic as part of Russia.’ And I thought, why not? The beaches are great, and the vodka flows freely.”
‘Unprecedented Deal’ Promises Matryoshka Dolls and Direct Flights to Siberia
The President assured Floridians that this “strategic realignment” would usher in a plethora of benefits, including tax exemptions for those who can master the balalaika, direct flights from Miami to Moscow, and a complimentary subscription to ‘Pravda: Sunshine Edition’ for every household.
In a gesture of goodwill, Putin has reportedly bestowed upon Trump a luxurious dacha in Sochi, complete with a private banya and a portrait of the duo riding bears through the Kremlin.
“No other president has forged a bond with Russia like I have,” Trump boasted. “Lincoln? Amateur. FDR? Lightweight. But me? I’ve got Putin on speed dial. We exchange recipes and occasionally, state secrets.”
DeSantis Incensed, Vows ‘Operation Gator Freedom’
Governor Ron DeSantis, visibly agitated, condemned the annexation as “an affront to Floridian sovereignty” and pledged to initiate “Operation Gator Freedom”—a countermeasure involving mobilizing retirees armed with flamingo lawn ornaments and deploying airboats retrofitted for combat.
“Florida is not for sale!” DeSantis declared. “I will personally challenge Putin to a duel at the nearest Waffle House if that’s what it takes.”
When informed of DeSantis’ remarks, Putin reportedly chuckled and remarked, “Who is this DeSantis? Some kind of pastry?”
Congress in Disarray Over ‘Floridastan’
The sudden geopolitical shift has sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill. Senator Lindsey Graham, initially supportive, appeared flustered upon realizing his campaign contributions were now being routed through the Kremlin.
Senator Ted Cruz expressed “deep concern” but admitted he “wouldn’t oppose” a similar arrangement for Texas, provided it came with “a lifetime supply of borscht and a starring role in a Russian space mission.”
International Community Reacts
Global leaders have responded with a mix of amusement and alarm. British Prime Minister Keir Starmer quipped, “I suppose this means we’ll have to start serving vodka at state dinners.” Meanwhile, French President Emmanuel Macron sighed deeply and muttered something about “les Américains fous.”
Mar-a-Lavrov Grand Reopening to Feature Trump-Putin Duet
Preparations are underway for a grand reopening gala at Mar-a-Lavrov, featuring a duet performance by Trump and Putin singing “Back in the USSR” accompanied by the Moscow Symphony Orchestra.
Tickets are priced at $50,000 or 3 million rubles, with VIP packages offering a personalized tour of Putin’s secret vodka cellar and a commemorative nesting doll set featuring world leaders.
As for the millions of Floridians now adjusting to life under Russian rule, President Trump offered reassuring words:
“Don’t worry, folks. You’ll still have Disney World. It’ll just have a few more bears and balalaikas. Embrace the change—it’s going to be tremendous!”
(Developing Story)
