WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but unsurprising move, President Donald Trump announced the immediate termination of the Department of Energy, declaring it “an unnecessary, deep-state bureaucracy” and reassuring Americans that they “don’t need all that fancy energy stuff anyway.”
Standing in front of a podium lit by a single flickering candle, Trump reassured the nation that the decision would not affect daily life. “Folks, we’ve got sunlight, we’ve got firewood—what more do you need?” Trump said. “In the old days, people just rubbed two sticks together, and it worked great. Very efficient. Very MAGA.”
Energy Crisis? ‘Just Wear a Sweater.’
The abrupt shutdown has left power companies, scientists, and basically anyone who enjoys electricity scrambling to figure out how to proceed. While grid operators warned of mass blackouts, Trump dismissed concerns, offering several alternative energy sources:
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Torches – “Worked for cavemen, could work again.”
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Hamster Wheels – “Americans love pets. Let’s put them to work.”
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“Power of Positive Thinking” – “If you believe your lights are on, they are.”
Trump also suggested “just wearing a sweater” to stay warm during the winter, ignoring the fact that heating systems run on energy.
New Secretary of Energy? Trump’s Florida Pool Guy
With the agency now gutted, Trump announced that “energy will now be handled by the free market,” but named Randy ‘Big Diesel’ McAllister, a Mar-a-Lago pool maintenance worker, as his new “Special Energy Czar”.
McAllister, whose previous energy experience includes “owning a generator one time”, told reporters he is “excited to make gas-powered everything great again.”
Americans React: ‘We Kinda Liked Having Power’
The backlash was swift, as millions of Americans expressed concern over the future of the country’s power grid. Senate Democrats called the decision ‘catastrophic’, while Trump supporters insisted that electricity was overrated anyway.
“Honestly, I don’t even need electricity. I’ve got candles and faith,” said Florida resident Greg Tanner, shortly before tripping over his cat in the dark.
Meanwhile, Elon Musk reportedly offered to “sell America back its electricity” via an exclusive Tesla PowerWall Subscription Plan™, starting at just $99.99 a month.
Biden’s Response: ‘Malarkey!’
At a hastily called press conference, former President Joe Biden condemned the move, shaking his fist at the sky and declaring it “absolute malarkey.”
“Back in my day, we had real energy! Coal! Oil! Heck, I even powered my first car with sheer determination,” Biden claimed, before being gently reminded that his first car was a 1951 Studebaker, which ran on gasoline.
The Future: Back to the Stone Age?
Experts warn that without federal oversight, power companies could start charging exorbitant rates for basic utilities. Trump, however, dismissed these concerns, tweeting:
“The FAKE NEWS media says we need power! WRONG! America was BUILT on hard work, fire, and elbow grease! If you want electricity, BUILD IT YOURSELF! #MAGA #NoMorePlugIns”
With the Department of Energy now just a Wikipedia page, many Americans are left wondering: What’s next? The Department of Transportation? Will highways be privatized? Will bridges be replaced with rope ladders?
As the country adjusts to its new candlelit reality, experts recommend stocking up on matches, blankets, and maybe a good set of sticks.
