PALM BEACH, FL – President Trump has unveiled his much-anticipated “Gold Card Immigration” program, a luxury-tier pathway to U.S. residency for only the most financially blessed individuals. Unlike traditional immigration, which involves pesky paperwork, years of waiting, and being “too poor for America” (Trump’s words, not ours), Gold Card holders will receive first-class treatment, complete with exclusive perks to enhance their American experience.
“It’s Like a Membership to the U.S.!” – Trump
Standing next to a golden podium, under golden chandeliers, wearing what appeared to be an even golder spray tan, Trump explained the brilliant simplicity of his new VIP citizenship plan.
“Look, folks, America is a business, OK? And like any great business, we want the best customers. We don’t need the people who come here looking for jobs—we want the people who come here looking for real estate.”
Perks Fit for a Future American Oligarch
According to official (i.e., hastily written on a cocktail napkin at Mar-a-Lago) policy documents, the Trump Gold Card comes with:
✅ Priority Green Card Processing – Skips the line of commoners stuck in the bureaucratic immigration system. (Poor people still required to wait 7-10 years and know at least three bald eagles personally.)
✅ Complimentary Brunch at Mar-a-Lago – Featuring endless shrimp, lukewarm eggs, and a waiter who will remind you that tipping is required but paying taxes is not.
✅ One Presidential Pardon (for future use!) – Applicants receive a “Get Out of Jail Free” card, usable for one crime of their choice, so long as it’s “a classy crime, not a loser crime,” as Trump clarified.
✅ Access to Exclusive “Citizen Concierge” Hotline – Need a gun permit? A zoning law ignored? A hotel chain? No problem—one call to Gold Card Support, and a guy named Vinnie will handle it.
✅ Free Trump NFT (subject to market volatility and immediate worthlessness).
Who Qualifies?
When asked about eligibility, Trump outlined strict financial requirements:
- Net Worth of $5 million+ (or $3 million if you say something nice about his golf game).
- Willingness to invest in at least one Trump-branded property.
- A firm stance against low-income people, unless they’re serving the brunch.
Gold Card Holders React
The program has already attracted early adopters, including billionaire landlords, offshore hedge fund managers, and two Saudi princes. One unnamed tech CEO praised the program, saying, “Finally, a citizenship process that recognizes my ability to buy my way through everything.”
Meanwhile, actual immigration advocates were reportedly last seen banging their heads against a wall, unable to process how much dumber things have gotten.
“This Is America’s Next Great Idea” – Trump
Before disappearing into Mar-a-Lago for a post-announcement nap, Trump made one final sales pitch:
“Folks, we’re making immigration great again! No more sad people, no more hard-working people—just winners! I mean, why should America settle for the tired, the poor, the huddled masses, when we can get the hedge fund managers, yacht owners, and crypto guys?”
With applications already pouring in, sources inside the White House say Trump is considering an even higher tier—The “Diamond Citizenship”, which guarantees a seat at the next Putin summit and a personal “Trump-branded” judge assigned to all future legal troubles.
