Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking move that experts are calling “stunningly self-aware,” Congress has unveiled a $500 billion initiative aimed at investigating why everything in America is so ridiculously expensive.
The Cost Analysis and Revenue Evaluation Committee (C.A.R.E.), a bipartisan group that took seven months to name, will lead the study, which is expected to conclude sometime in 2047. The goal, according to lawmakers, is to identify why grocery prices are skyrocketing, rent is unaffordable, and why a single Chipotle burrito now requires a small personal loan.
“Americans deserve answers,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, adjusting his designer glasses. “For too long, hardworking families have suffered under the burden of high costs, and while we don’t have a solution yet, we do have an extremely expensive way to figure one out.”
The bill, officially titled the “Fair Inflation Reform and Economic Normalization Strategy” (F.I.R.E.N.S.), will allocate funds to consultants, economists, and a very expensive Zoom subscription to facilitate weekly meetings where members of Congress will ask, “Wait, how much is milk now?”
Republicans and Democrats Finally Agree on Something
Despite their usual hostility, both parties have found common ground on this issue. House Speaker Mike Johnson admitted, “Look, we don’t know what’s causing these prices to rise, but if throwing half a trillion dollars at it doesn’t work, we’ll definitely throw more.”
The bill includes provisions for hiring 1,500 economic analysts, 200 senior advisors, and one guy from Twitter who claims to understand inflation better than the Federal Reserve. Additionally, a new government agency will be created to oversee this initiative, which will have its own overhead costs, salary structure, and pension plan—adding to the national debt, but in a way that feels proactive.
Where Is the Money Coming From?
In what is being described as “hilariously ironic,” the funding for this project will come from raising consumer taxes and increasing federal borrowing, which, economists warn, may actually drive inflation higher. However, a spokesperson for the White House dismissed concerns, stating, “That sounds like a problem for future us.”
Public Reactions and Corporate Responses
Public response has been mixed, with some Americans applauding the effort and others pointing out that they can barely afford gas to drive to work, let alone care about a government study that won’t be completed for decades. Meanwhile, major corporations have expressed full support, as several large consulting firms have already been awarded billion-dollar contracts to “analyze” whether raising prices on everything is profitable (spoiler: it is).
The Next Steps
Congress will vote on the bill next week, though early indications suggest it will pass easily, given that every legislator involved somehow owns stock in a consulting firm poised to benefit from the study.
Until then, everyday Americans will just have to keep paying $9 for eggs and wondering why the government needed half a trillion dollars to answer a question their grandmother already figured out: “Because they can.”
