TORONTO – In a bold move to retaliate against President Trump’s latest tariffs, the Ontario government has introduced a “Trump Tax” on all imports of orange hair dye, self-tanner, and gold-plated bathroom fixtures. The new policy, aimed squarely at what officials call “aesthetic overreach,” is expected to single-handedly cripple Mar-a-Lago’s supply chain within weeks.
Targeting the Root of the Problem
“If America wants to charge us more for steel and aluminum, then fine,” said Ontario Premier Doug Ford at a press conference, adjusting his definitely-not-orange hair. “But if Trump wants to keep looking like an overcooked Thanksgiving turkey, he’s gonna have to pay Canadian prices.”
The tax, which slaps a 50% surcharge on unnatural orange hair dye, has already sent shockwaves through the U.S. political elite. Sources inside the White House report a state of emergency in the Mar-a-Lago salon, with staff seen hoarding bulk shipments of Clairol’s ‘Sunkissed Copper’ and L’Oréal’s ‘Tangerine Dream’ before the tax goes into full effect.
U.S. Officials React Poorly (As Expected)
The Trump campaign has already fired off a series of furious all-caps tweets, with the former president declaring: “CANADA IS JEALOUS OF MY HAIR, EVERYONE SAYS SO. SAD!” and “MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS IS AN ATTACK ON AMERICAN VALUES. TRUDEAU? BAD GUY! TERRIBLE GUY!”
Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who is rumored to be reconsidering his own shade of burnt sienna, called the tax “a disgraceful attack on freedom” and vowed to introduce a reciprocal tariff on maple syrup exports in retaliation. Political analysts predict that this could lead to a full-scale breakfast war between the two nations.
Who Will Suffer the Most?
While Trump himself is expected to take the biggest hit, early data suggests a catastrophic impact on the reality TV industry, with an estimated 70% of Bravo and Fox News hosts already scrambling to find orange dye alternatives. Reports indicate an underground bootlegging operation has emerged, with shipments of contraband hair products now being smuggled across the border disguised as poutine ingredients.
Canadian customs officials say they are actively screening all travelers arriving from New York, Florida, and Texas for suspicious luggage containing “excessive amounts of bronzer or comb-over accessories.” One border patrol agent, speaking on condition of anonymity, noted, “It’s the same guys every time—spray tan mist leaking from their suitcases, sunglasses hiding suspiciously orange foreheads. We know who they are.”
Looking Ahead: The Future of Trump Aesthetics
As the Trump Tax takes effect, experts predict a major crisis in the aesthetics market, with manufacturers scrambling to create less politically charged shades like “Moderate Auburn,” “Presidential Peach,” and “Bipartisan Bronze.”
Insiders at L’Oréal have already confirmed a new line of “Election-Proof Colors” designed specifically for candidates hoping to avoid tariff-based beauty scandals. Meanwhile, back at Mar-a-Lago, staff are allegedly experimenting with a “natural look”, though early results have been described as “visually unsettling.”
Only time will tell how this tariff standoff will end. But for now, Ontario remains firm: If America wants to tax Canadian aluminum, Canada will tax the most aluminum-looking American.
Stay tuned for further developments as we monitor Trump’s evolving hair situation in real time.
