WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning act of bipartisan wizardry, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) assured Americans that there would be no government shutdown this weekend—on one condition: that absolutely no one, under any circumstances, reads the contents of the bill.
The six-month stopgap spending bill, which was hastily crafted in a secret underground chamber of the Capitol (probably the one with the emergency whiskey supply), has been described by insiders as a “Frankenstein’s monster of compromises, IOUs, and pork barrel dreams.” Still, Schumer insists it’s the best—and only—way to keep the government from collapsing under its own incompetence.
The Art of Not Reading
“We are confident this bill will pass, as long as no one, and I mean no one, actually reads what’s in it,” Schumer told reporters while strategically covering several pages with his coffee cup. “If you read it, you might start asking questions. And frankly, none of us have time for that.”
Despite growing pressure from liberal lawmakers and activists who want Democrats to fight against the GOP’s “please-don’t-look-too-closely” spending proposal, Schumer is giving plenty of room to centrist Democrats to vote for it while looking in the opposite direction.
“We’ve carefully crafted a bill that pleases absolutely no one but somehow still survives,” said an anonymous Senate aide. “That’s what modern governance is all about.”
A Bill So Mysterious, Even Congress Hasn’t Read It
When asked what exactly is inside the bill, most senators pretended to receive an urgent text and left the room. One source confirmed it contains funding for things that both parties will later pretend they never approved, as well as at least three completely unrelated provisions about corn subsidies.
“I don’t want to say that this is a bad bill,” said one Democratic lawmaker who asked to remain anonymous. “But I also don’t want to say that I’ve read it, or that I even know where it is.”
The GOP’s ‘Gotcha’ Strategy Backfires
Republicans, sensing an opportunity, challenged Democrats to actually read the bill out loud on the Senate floor. However, the plan was quickly abandoned when they remembered that Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) still holds the record for longest filibuster and once read Green Eggs and Ham just to prove a point.
“Look, all I’m saying is that if we had time to read every bill before voting, we’d never get anything done,” said one GOP lawmaker while adjusting his tie and sprinting toward the nearest exit. “And the American people don’t want that. Right?”
Schumer: “Just Sign It, We’ll Deal With the Fallout Later”
As the deadline looms, Schumer has urged his colleagues to embrace the age-old Washington tradition of voting first and panicking later.
“This is how democracy works,” Schumer explained. “We pass something no one understands, then later, when it inevitably falls apart, we all get to act surprised. It’s a time-honored tradition.”
As of press time, President Biden has reportedly agreed to sign the bill, as long as someone prints it in large font and leaves out all the ‘boring parts.’
Stay tuned for updates—assuming the government remains operational long enough to give them to us.
