Scene
A Zoom meeting between major world leaders to discuss urgent climate action. Naturally, things get off track immediately.
Participants:
Joe Biden (USA): President, trying to find the mute button.
Rishi Sunak (UK): Prime Minister, visibly Googling “climate solutions” during the call.
Emmanuel Macron (France): President, using the call to judge everyone else’s accents.
Justin Trudeau (Canada): Prime Minister, drinking organic maple syrup straight from the bottle.
Anthony Albanese (Australia): Prime Minister, attending while surfing.
Olaf Scholz (Germany): Chancellor, already annoyed by everyone.
Elon Musk (Uninvited): Somehow on the call, pitching Mars as Plan B.
Joe Biden: (leaning too close to the camera) “Can everyone hear me? I just need to hold on. Where’s the dang—Jill! Jill! The mute thingy won’t work!”
Emmanuel Macron: (sighing theatrically) “Joe, it’s the button with the little microphone icon. Sacré bleu, we’ve been on this call for ten minutes already.”
Justin Trudeau: (cheerfully) “No worries, guys. Take your time. While you figure that out, I’m going to screen-share my new TikTok on sustainable lumberjack chic. It’s really catching on.”
Rishi Sunak: (whispering) “Uh, is this meeting about actual climate solutions? Or, like, vibes? Just wondering.”
Anthony Albanese: (chiming in from a surfboard) “Mate, vibes are half the battle. And right now, the vibe is ‘confused uncles at a family reunion.’”
Olaf Scholz: (deadpan) “This is why Europe insists on pre-meeting agendas. I would like to propose we—”
Elon Musk: (cutting in) “Hey, everyone! Thanks for having me. I have a game-changing idea.”
Macron: “Why is he here? This is for elected officials. Someone call security.”
Musk: “Relax, I hacked the link. Anyway, forget saving Earth—it’s a lost cause. Let’s colonize Mars. I’m already halfway through building a giant space heater for the atmosphere.”
Trudeau: (raising his hand politely) “Cool idea, but how will that help us plant more trees?”
Musk: “We won’t need trees. Oxygen is overrated. Have you tried Tesla-branded canned air?”
Sunak: (typing furiously) “Just Googled it—turns out Mars has no Wi-Fi. Hard pass.”
Biden: (finally unmuted) “Elon, nobody asked you to be here. Now, back to business. Uh, what were we talking about?”
Macron: “Saving zee planet, Monsieur President. Before it becomes a crispy baguette.”
Albanese: (catching a wave) “Look, we’ve got enough sun in Australia to power the whole world. If everyone chips in, we’ll send you a few solar panels. Easy peasy.”
Scholz: “Nein. Germany already has the most efficient solar program. We’ll lead this effort.”
Macron: “You ‘lead’ everything, Olaf. Meanwhile, we in France have a proposal that combines renewable energy and—wait for it—wine.”
Sunak: “I like where this is going.”
Trudeau: “Same. Wine pairs well with maple syrup. Sustainable syrup, obviously.”
Biden: (squinting at his screen) “Okay, everyone, let’s focus. I’m still not seeing any real action items. Jill said I need to come out of this meeting with something I can tweet.”
Macron: “Perhaps tweet this: ‘We tried.’”
Musk: “Here’s an action item: Fund my Mars plan. I’ll take Bitcoin or Dogecoin.”
Albanese: (wiping seawater off his mic) “If Musk doesn’t stop, I’m adding a shark to this call.”
Trudeau: (still cheerful) “Guys, this is getting off track. What if we form a global committee to brainstorm solutions, and I chair it? With, like, really good lighting for the livestream?”
Macron: “Trudeau, not everything is a photoshoot. Maybe the Germans should chair. They love committees.”
Scholz: (looking smug) “Ja. Excellent idea. I’ll start the paperwork.”
Biden: (leaning closer to the camera again) “Hold on, everyone. Can we vote on who chairs? Let’s keep this democratic.”
Musk: “I vote for me.”
Everyone Else: “No.”
Macron: “Très bien. Meeting adjourned. We have solved nothing. At least my screen froze on my good side.”
Biden: “Wait, how do I leave this call? Jill! Where’s the button?!”
(Call ends abruptly as Trudeau accidentally clicks “End Meeting for All” while adjusting his ring light.)
Summary
The planet remains in peril, but at least the memes are fire. Stay tuned for the next meeting, tentatively scheduled for whenever Elon buys Zoom.
