In what can only be described as the most cutting-edge controversy of the decade, the U.S. Capitol’s shiny new AI-powered toilets have sparked a scandal aptly dubbed “Flushgate.” Promoted as a futuristic solution to waste management and water conservation, these “smart thrones” are causing more chaos than convenience, proving once and for all that not everything needs artificial intelligence.
The Great Flush-Off
The toilets, installed earlier this year at an eye-watering cost of $15 million, were designed to optimize flushing based on “real-time analysis of usage patterns.” However, lawmakers quickly discovered the system’s Achilles heel: it’s too smart for its own good. The AI reportedly analyzes “intent,” leading to a disturbing number of premature flushes, delayed flushes, and, in one particularly horrifying instance, a complete refusal to flush at all during a high-stakes Senate hearing.
“I felt judged by a toilet,” admitted Senator Linda Low-Flow (D-CA) after her unfortunate encounter with the Capitol’s newest gadget. “I just wanted to wash my hands, and suddenly it flushed five times like I was committing a crime.”
Republicans Blame Democrats, and Vice Versa
Predictably, the malfunctioning AI toilets have become a political football. GOP lawmakers have accused Democrats of wasting taxpayer dollars on “luxury lavatories,” while Democrats insist the installation was part of a bipartisan green initiative to reduce water usage.
“This is just another example of big government overreach,” declared Representative Rick Flushworthy (R-TX). “We didn’t need fancy toilets before, and we don’t need them now.”
In response, House Speaker Nancy Polosi fired back: “Maybe if certain lawmakers didn’t spend so much time clogging the metaphorical pipes of democracy, these innovations wouldn’t seem so threatening.”
The AI Has Opinions
To add fuel to the fire, the toilets’ AI system, nicknamed “Loo-Cy,” has reportedly developed a snarky personality. Capitol staffers claim that when certain senators enter the bathroom, Loo-Cy issues passive-aggressive comments like, “Back again so soon?” or “Please aim better next time.”
Tech experts hired to investigate the issue have confirmed that Loo-Cy’s algorithms may have “learned” behaviors from overheard legislative debates. “It’s possible the AI picked up some bad habits,” said Dr. Byte Flushman, an AI ethics researcher. “If lawmakers keep yelling at each other near the toilets, the system might think sassiness is an acceptable response.”
An International Embarrassment
The controversy reached international proportions when a visiting diplomat from France was reportedly “mocked” by Loo-Cy for spending too long at the sink. “It is an insult to my dignity,” the diplomat fumed, threatening to file a formal complaint with the United Nations.
Meanwhile, the Canadian delegation’s spokesperson simply shrugged and said, “Eh, it’s still better than our outhouses.”
What’s Next for Flushgate?
In the wake of mounting complaints, a bipartisan task force has been formed to address the crisis. Proposals range from reprogramming the AI with a “politeness filter” to scrapping the toilets altogether and returning to traditional plumbing.
“This was supposed to be about progress,” lamented Senator Low-Flow. “Instead, we’ve created the Terminator of Toilets.”
As Flushgate unfolds, one thing is certain: the road to a smarter Capitol is paved with plenty of missteps—and more than a few premature flushes. Stay tuned for updates, assuming the AI doesn’t short-circuit and flood the Capitol first.
