Wilmington, DE —In a move that has confused film critics, Disney shareholders, and at least four Secret Service agents, former President Joe Biden has declared Disney’s box office bomb Snow White a cinematic triumph. The film, widely panned as a politically-correct fever dream, has now found its most unexpected champion.
A Presidential Standing Ovation
Emerging from a nearly empty theater in Wilmington, Delaware, Biden gave a rousing review to reporters waiting outside.
“Finally, a movie that gets it right,” Biden said, enthusiastically waving his souvenir apple. “There’s singing, there’s cooperation, and nobody yelled at me for falling asleep during the bird scene.”
Sources say Biden clapped five separate times during the movie, mistook the exit sign for a deleted scene, and audibly whispered “Atta girl” every time Snow White refused to marry a prince without a prenup.
Biden’s Key Takeaways
According to aides, Biden was particularly moved by the dwarfs’ communal lifestyle, describing them as “a model for bipartisan cooperation in tight quarters.” He compared Grumpy to Bernie Sanders, Sleepy to himself, and Dopey to “whoever keeps leaking my note cards.”
He also praised the Queen’s regulatory approach to mirrors.
“Look, I’ve talked to mirrors too. Sometimes they talk back. Doesn’t make you evil — just makes you empathetic,” Biden said.
When asked about the prince, Biden admitted, “He could’ve worked a little harder. Just shows up at the end? That’s classic House Republican energy.”
The Disney Dilemma
While Disney has seen Snow White flop harder than a talking raccoon auditioning for Shakespeare, Biden’s endorsement has forced the studio to reconsider its PR strategy.
A spokesperson for Disney confirmed that an “Elderly Statesman Endorsement Campaign” may be in development, with hopes of bringing in praise from Jimmy Carter and possibly a hologram of FDR.
Mixed Reactions
Critics were baffled by Biden’s review, with one Hollywood reporter calling it “the biggest disconnect between a president and popular opinion since George H.W. Bush marveled at a grocery store scanner.”
Social media, however, had a field day. One user posted, “If Joe Biden likes this movie, maybe it really IS a fantasy.” Another wrote, “Can’t wait for the spinoff: Snow White and the Seven Cabinet Members.”
Future Fairy Tale Plans
Biden reportedly asked Jill if they could install a wishing well in the Rose Garden. When informed he no longer lived there, he nodded solemnly and said, “That’s okay. I’ve got a birdbath out back. Same vibe.”
He also expressed interest in future Disney outings, asking if they had any films about “a mermaid who files a union grievance” or “a lion who believes in high-speed rail.”
As the sun set on the screening, Biden left the theater humming a song no one recognized, but confidently declared was from the film.
“I give it five stars,” he said, “and that’s just for the deer choreography alone.”
Whether Biden’s endorsement sparks a revival of Snow White or simply adds another chapter to the saga of political whimsy remains to be seen. One thing is certain: when it comes to fairy tales, the former president knows a classic when he sees it — even if he’s the only one watching.
