In an unprecedented act of fatherly devotion—or perhaps the most dad-joke-infused legal maneuver in U.S. history—President Joe Biden announced today that he is pardoning his son, Hunter Biden, for all past, present, and future “oopsies.” The move comes as Hunter faces mounting scrutiny for a laundry list of alleged crimes, ranging from tax evasion to losing laptops at an alarming rate.
“I mean, come on, folks,” the president said during a press conference on the White House lawn, wearing aviators and wielding an ice cream cone like a gavel. “What’s the point of being President if you can’t bail your kid out of a little trouble? Isn’t that what dads do? Fix bikes, grill burgers, and, uh, issue full legal pardons?”
The Pardon Heard ‘Round the Dinner Table
The announcement reportedly came after a heated Thanksgiving discussion where Hunter accidentally used the phrase “tax loopholes” while passing the mashed potatoes. Jill Biden, according to insiders, tried to steer the conversation back to family-friendly topics, but Joe seized the moment to deliver a heartfelt toast-slash-pardon proclamation.
“It’s not favoritism,” Biden insisted. “I’ve always told my kids: You make a mess, you clean it up. But if the mess involves potential jail time, well that’s why Dad’s got a pen.”
Hunter, for his part, seemed genuinely surprised. “I was just asking if he could spot me for parking tickets,” he reportedly whispered to a Secret Service agent. “Did not expect this level of backup.”
Critics Cry Foul, Biden Cries Dad Rights
Unsurprisingly, the decision sparked bipartisan outrage. Republicans called the pardon a “blatant abuse of power,” while Democrats quietly muttered, “Oh, Joe” under their breath, a phrase now considered the unofficial party slogan.
Fox News immediately went live with a special segment titled, “Huntergate: America’s New Scandal,” while CNN countered with a panel discussion called, “Is Joe Biden Just Too Adorable to Stay Mad At?” Social media exploded with memes, including one featuring Joe in aviators with the caption: “The First Dad of the United States (FDOTUS): Pardoning the Way Only a Biden Can.”
In his defense, Biden shrugged off the criticism with his trademark charm. “Look, folks, if I pardoned every Thanksgiving turkey for 40 years, you think I’m gonna let my own son sweat a little legal trouble? Gobble gobble, Jack!”
A Pardon That Keeps on Giving
The pardon itself was uniquely worded, reflecting Biden’s signature blend of heartfelt rambling and misplaced metaphors. Legal scholars were baffled by phrases like, “This hereby absolves Hunter of any goofs, gaffes, or general tomfoolery, past or future. Signed, Dad.”
White House staff also confirmed that Biden, in a moment of inspiration, added a post-it to the pardon that read, “PS: Don’t blow this, buddy. Love, Pops.”
Hunter’s Next Chapter: Redemption (Or Netflix Special?)
As the dust settles, Hunter Biden is reportedly considering using his newfound freedom to pivot toward philanthropy—or perhaps cashing in on the inevitable Netflix limited series. Working titles under consideration include: “My Dad, the President” and “Pardon Me, America.”
Meanwhile, President Biden remains unfazed by the backlash. “Look, if you can’t forgive your kid for being a knucklehead, what kind of parent are you?” he told reporters while boarding Air Force One. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a country to run and some ice cream to finish.”
In true Biden fashion, he added, “And if Hunter messes up again? Well, I guess I’ll just have to add ‘world’s most forgiving dad’ to my legacy.”
3 comments
Okay, so let me get this straight: Joe Biden just turned the presidency into the ultimate version of ‘Because I said so.’ I mean, I’ve seen dads bail their kids out of trouble before—usually it’s a speeding ticket or bailing on a group project—but a full-on legal pardon? That’s next-level parenting. Somewhere out there, a dad is watching this with a tear in his eye, saying, ‘That’s my President.’ Or maybe just thinking about how he can use this move to justify letting his kid skip mowing the lawn for the fifth week in a row. Either way, bold strategy, Joe.
But honestly, the real question is, where does Hunter go from here? He’s got a clean slate now, but if he’s not careful, this story could end with a Netflix series and Joe awkwardly guest-starring in the promo interviews. ‘Yeah, I pardoned him—he’s a good boy, he’s got a big heart, loves his old man,’ Biden would say, probably while eating ice cream. I’m just saying, this whole saga is one Twitter meme away from becoming the most chaotic family sitcom America has ever seen.
Honestly, this feels like peak dad energy. Next thing you know, Biden’s gonna show up at Hunter’s court hearings with orange slices and a participation trophy.
Classic Biden. Can’t decide if this is a power move or just the ultimate dad flex. My dad only gave me a pep talk when I got caught sneaking out—where’s MY presidential pardon, huh?!