Washington, D.C. — In a surprising and deeply personal act of clemency, President Joe Biden announced today that he has pardoned his childhood bully, a man who, according to the president, once stole his lunch money in 1953.
The bully in question, Harold “Heavy Pockets” Finkleman, now a retired accountant living in Scranton, Pennsylvania, was reportedly unaware of the pardon until local reporters showed up at his door.
“I Did What?”
Finkleman, 82, expressed bewilderment at the news. “I barely remember Biden from those days,” he said. “But I do recall a scrawny kid handing me a quarter once. I thought he was just being generous!”
When asked if he felt remorse, Finkleman shrugged. “It was a different time. Lunch was 15 cents, so technically, I gave him a nickel’s worth of financial advice.”
Biden’s Emotional Announcement
In a heartfelt press briefing, Biden described the incident as formative. “It wasn’t just about the quarter—it was about resilience, Jack!” he said. “That day, I learned two things: never bring your lunch money to gym class and always carry an extra sandwich.”
The president explained that he had thought about Finkleman often over the years, particularly during tough negotiations. “Whenever someone tried to take something from me, I thought, ‘Not this time, Harold.’”
A Unique Clemency
The pardon, which carries no legal ramifications since the “crime” occurred 70 years ago and was never formally charged, has raised eyebrows among political commentators. “This might be the most Biden thing ever,” said one analyst. “He’s literally forgiving the past while feeding the 24-hour news cycle.”
Public Reaction
Social media erupted in both support and amusement. The hashtag #PardonTheBully quickly trended, with users chiming in:
“Good for Biden! Everyone deserves a second chance, even Harold.”
“Does this mean I can finally forgive my middle school nemesis for stealing my Game Boy?”
“If Biden can pardon a bully, can he pardon my student loans next?”
Harold’s Next Move
Finkleman, after learning of the pardon, reportedly mailed Biden a check for 25 cents, adjusted for inflation. “I hope this makes things square,” he told reporters.
Biden responded graciously, joking during the press conference, “I’ll use that quarter to buy a Snickers and think about the good old days.”
As Finkleman reflected on his newfound fame, he quipped, “I guess I’m the only person in history to be pardoned for lunch money theft. What an honor.”
What’s Next?
White House insiders hinted that Biden is considering expanding his acts of forgiveness to include playground offenses nationwide. “We’re all carrying some kind of childhood baggage,” said a senior aide. “The president just happens to have a platform to lighten the load.”
In the meantime, Americans are left to wonder: who else from Biden’s past might be next in line for a pardon? The bus driver who drove away while he was running? The teacher who gave him a B+ instead of an A? Stay tuned.
