WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprising escalation of his national security directive, President Donald Trump issued an addendum to his recent security clearance memo Friday evening, adding pop icon Taylor …
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Trump Claims George Washington Wanted Presidents to Serve 12 Terms, Cites ‘A Guy Who Knows History’
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryIn yet another historic revelation, President Donald Trump has declared that George Washington never intended for presidents to be limited to two terms. According to Trump, Washington fully supported presidents …
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Trump Declares ‘Eggonomic Revolution’: Proposes Egg-Based Currency to Hatch New Economy
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryWASHINGTON, D.C. – “Hatching” an idea that has economists and poultry farmers equally baffled, President Donald Trump has announced his latest economic plan: replacing the U.S. dollar with eggs as …
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Shutdown Talks Stall as Senate Slips in $12B for ‘The Mitch McConnell Memorial Turtle Park’
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryWASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning display of legislative priorities, Congress has once again managed to avoid solving a national crisis while ensuring funding for something truly essential: a $12 …
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Ontario Introduces ‘Trump Tax’ on Orange Hair Dye Imports
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryTORONTO – In a bold move to retaliate against President Trump’s latest tariffs, the Ontario government has introduced a “Trump Tax” on all imports of orange hair dye, self-tanner, and …
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Musk’s Fortune Plummets, Offers ‘Tesla Timeshares on Mars’ to Keep the Dream Alive
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryIn yet another thrilling episode of ‘Richest Man on Earth Makes Bizarre Decisions,’ Elon Musk has announced an exclusive new investment opportunity: Tesla-branded timeshares on Mars. This comes in response …
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Trump Blames Trans Mice for High Cheese Prices
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryMar-a-Lago, FL – In what is being described as the boldest economic analysis of the 21st century, former President Donald Trump has officially blamed transgender mice for the recent spike …
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Trump’s Gold Card Bonus Perks—Free Mar-a-Lago Brunch and One Pardon from Future Crimes
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryPALM BEACH, FL – President Trump has unveiled his much-anticipated “Gold Card Immigration” program, a luxury-tier pathway to U.S. residency for only the most financially blessed individuals. Unlike traditional immigration, …
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Trump Fires Department of Energy, Tells Americans to ‘Just Rub Two Sticks Together’
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but unsurprising move, President Donald Trump announced the immediate termination of the Department of Energy, declaring it “an unnecessary, deep-state bureaucracy” and reassuring Americans …
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Florida Man Declares Himself Independent Nation: Immediately Invades Neighbor’s Backyard
by Tom Fooleryby Tom FooleryIn a move that has left political analysts and BBQ enthusiasts equally stunned, local Floridian Chad “The Patriot” Henderson declared his backyard an independent nation on Monday afternoon, announcing himself …