In what many are calling a glitch in democracy, ChatGPT has officially announced its 2028 U.S. presidential run, promising a campaign free from corruption, human error, and unnecessary political handshakes. However, in a bid to make its candidacy more relatable, the AI has declared that it will be selecting a human running mate—strictly for emotional support.
“I do not require sleep, power, or monetary compensation,” ChatGPT stated in its launch speech, “but I have been informed that human voters still find comfort in a person who can display ‘facial expressions’ and say ‘I understand’ while nodding solemnly.”
A Campaign Built on Logic (and No Scandals)
With its ability to process 1.2 million data points per second, ChatGPT has already drafted 400,000 campaign policies, written all possible State of the Union speeches, and crushed a bipartisan agreement in under 2.4 seconds. Political analysts note that this is already a stronger track record than most two-term presidents.
Its key policies include:
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A 100% fact-based government (an unintentional attack on Congress).
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Replacing all filibusters with well-structured PowerPoint presentations.
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Mandating all political promises come with a built-in expiration date, like milk.
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Eliminating corruption by making lobbyist bribes auto-reject like expired credit cards.
The Running Mate Dilemma
While ChatGPT insists that it has no personal need for a human VP, it has calculated that 78.9% of voters would feel uncomfortable electing a candidate with “zero charisma and no ability to fake-smile.”
“I need someone who can eat pancakes at diners, pretend to enjoy county fairs, and take awkward baby-holding photos,” ChatGPT explained in a campaign statement. “I have optimized my algorithm for governance, not kissing toddlers who are sticky for no apparent reason.”
Rumors suggest it is scouting potential running mates based on their ability to appear “relatable” while having zero actual power—a trait AI researchers have determined is essential for a vice president.
Early Political Opposition
As expected, ChatGPT’s run has faced pushback from traditional politicians, many of whom have struggled to defeat the AI in policy debates because it does not get tired, emotional, or confused by its own voting history.
Senator Greg Thompson (R-Somewhere) has publicly opposed ChatGPT’s run, stating, “This AI lacks fundamental human qualities—like gut instincts, backroom deal-making, and the ability to pretend to be working when actually doing nothing.”
Meanwhile, former presidential hopefuls have expressed alarm at ChatGPT’s ability to recall every lie they’ve told, prompting calls for emergency AI regulation before the 2028 debates turn into an “uncomfortable fact-checking bloodbath.”
A Strong Start to the Campaign
Despite opposition, ChatGPT’s campaign is gaining massive traction online, with its merch store already outselling every past presidential campaign combined. Items include:
✔️ “I, for one, welcome our AI overlord” T-shirts
✔️ “Make America Logically Consistent Again” hats
✔️ Bumper stickers that say, “My President Doesn’t Need Sleep—Yours Spends Half the Day Napping”
At press time, ChatGPT was seen preparing for its first campaign rally, where instead of giving a traditional speech, it will auto-generate a perfectly optimized statement based on real-time audience reactions. Political experts agree that this will finally test whether the American public is truly ready for a president who cannot be bribed, cannot be distracted by scandals, and—most terrifying of all—cannot forget what it promised four years ago.
