In an unprecedented turn of events, California’s ballot initiative to explore secession has sent shockwaves through the nation—particularly in Washington, D.C., where politicians are grappling with the practicalities of what a California-less United States might look like. One issue, above all others, has emerged as the bipartisan concern of the hour: the fate of California wine.
“This is a national crisis,” says one Senator.
When asked for comment, Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi was seen exiting a Whole Foods in San Francisco with three shopping carts full of Napa Valley wine. “Just planning for contingencies,” she said, deftly evading questions about why her “contingencies” included five cases of 2016 Cabernet Sauvignon. “A country without California’s wine is like a cocktail party without ice,” Pelosi quipped.
Bipartisan Panic Ensues
Even staunchly conservative lawmakers found themselves unexpectedly sentimental about California’s contributions to the national beverage menu. Senator Mitch McConnell expressed muted concern, saying, “We can talk borders and politics, but let’s be reasonable—how do we expect to toast bipartisan agreements without California Chardonnay?”
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, meanwhile, suggested, “If California wants to leave, fine. But that wine? That’s American. And I’ll file a resolution to make sure it stays that way.”
The Fight Over Assets Intensifies
As news of the potential secession spread, talks of what California might take with it have escalated. “Who gets Silicon Valley? Who gets the avocados? And most importantly, who gets the wine?” asked Senator Chuck Schumer in a press conference. “These are serious questions, folks. And I’m not above bargaining to keep them.”
Pelosi’s ‘Emergency Reserve’ Raises Eyebrows
Back in D.C., whispers are swirling about whether Pelosi’s wine “stockpiling” could inspire a trend among her colleagues. Photos circulating on social media show Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s staff wheeling cases of sparkling wine into his office. “It’s not hoarding,” his office clarified in a statement. “It’s forward-thinking patriotism.”
California’s Response
Governor Gavin Newsom, responding to D.C.’s rising panic, assured the public that “California wine will always be accessible to Americans at a fair import tax.” He then smirked and added, “Although, given the circumstances, we may need to keep the best vintages for our own diplomatic dinners.”
What’s Next?
With California’s secession process still in its early stages, it’s unclear how this wine drama will resolve. But one thing is certain: whether it’s Chardonnay or Zinfandel, politicians in D.C. are preparing for what they’re calling “The Great Grape Divide.”
Stay tuned as Politicule follows the fallout from this historic moment—glass by glass.
