Meet Polly Tix, the no-nonsense, all-knowing guru of political absurdity. With not one, but three master’s degrees in Political Science, Public Policy, and Interpretive Dance (don’t ask), Polly is the ultimate authority on everything from filibusters to fundraising scandals. A self-proclaimed “Professor Emerita of Capitol Chaos,” she’s spent decades decoding the fine art of dodging questions, spinning stories, and surviving bipartisan potlucks. Whether it’s untangling legislative jargon or dissecting the latest Twitter war between politicians who should really know better, Polly delivers advice with a sharp wit and an even sharper tongue. She’s your go-to for navigating the swamp—with humor, a touch of sass, and an encyclopedic knowledge of every scandal since Watergate. Got a question? Don’t worry, Polly knows her sh*t. And if she doesn’t, she’ll fake it better than a campaign promise.
Dear Polly,
I’m a mayor, and my town just tried hosting its first-ever “Bike to Work Day.” Unfortunately, the plan backfired when no one showed up, and now the local paper is calling it “Hike to Unemployment.” How can I salvage this?- Pedaling Backward in Portland
Dear Pedaling,
First off, kudos for trying to get people moving! Not every initiative hits the ground running—or pedaling, in this case. Here’s your fix: reframe it as a “soft launch” and announce a new event with a catchy name, like “Pedal Palooza” or “Wheels for Change.” Bonus points if you throw in free coffee or prizes for participants.
Second, take the criticism in stride. Make a light-hearted social media post about the empty streets, something like, “Well, at least traffic was light!” It shows you have a sense of humor while keeping the focus on the next attempt. Remember: even the Tour de France started with one lap around the block.- Polly
Dear Polly,
I’m a newly elected school board member, and I accidentally told a reporter that “math is optional.” I meant to say that alternative teaching methods are important, but now parents think I’m anti-education. How do I fix this?- Adding Up the Damage
Dear Adding,
Ah, the perils of accidental soundbites. Here’s your solution: hold a public meeting where you enthusiastically support all subjects, including math, but emphasize creativity in education. Say something like, “Math isn’t optional—it’s foundational! But so is making it engaging for every student.”
Next, launch an initiative or workshop that ties math to fun, real-world activities. Call it “Numbers in Action” or “Mathletics.” By showing you care about education in action, not just in words, you’ll win back those skeptical parents. And maybe avoid any interviews until you’ve had a strong cup of coffee.- Polly
Dear Polly,
I work for a senator who insists on using emojis in every email subject line. Last week, they sent out “💸 Tax Reform? More Like Tax Relief! 💸” and now donors think we’re running a used car dealership. How do I stop this madness?- Over-Emojied in Ohio
Dear Over-Emojied,
Ah, nothing says “serious policymaker” like a row of random emojis! Here’s how you play this: pitch the idea of a “new brand direction” focused on gravitas and professionalism. Frame it as a way to appeal to undecided voters who might prefer their senators emoji-free.
If they resist, compromise: allow one tasteful emoji per email, preferably something neutral like a flag or a checkmark. That way, you keep the senator happy without making every subject line look like it’s advertising Black Friday deals. Just remember: politics is all about balance—between engaging and cringey.- Polly
