Meet Polly Tix, the no-nonsense, all-knowing guru of political absurdity. With not one, but three master’s degrees in Political Science, Public Policy, and Interpretive Dance (don’t ask), Polly is the ultimate authority on everything from filibusters to fundraising scandals. A self-proclaimed “Professor Emerita of Capitol Chaos,” she’s spent decades decoding the fine art of dodging questions, spinning stories, and surviving bipartisan potlucks. Whether it’s untangling legislative jargon or dissecting the latest Twitter war between politicians who should really know better, Polly delivers advice with a sharp wit and an even sharper tongue. She’s your go-to for navigating the swamp—with humor, a touch of sass, and an encyclopedic knowledge of every scandal since Watergate. Got a question? Don’t worry, Polly knows her sh*t. And if she doesn’t, she’ll fake it better than a campaign promise.
Dear Polly,
I love Donald Trump, but my entire family is full of hardcore liberals. Every time Thanksgiving rolls around, I feel like I’m hiding a huge secret because I don’t want them to stop inviting me to dinner. Should I come clean or keep my MAGA hat in the closet?- Red in a Blue Family
Dear Red,
First of all, congratulations on living out your own personal political soap opera! Here’s my advice: if you’re not ready to come clean, take baby steps. Maybe casually mention you “liked The Apprentice” and see how they react. If no one throws cranberry sauce at you, you’re in the clear to move up to, “I think he’s a fascinating character.”
If you do decide to go full MAGA, make sure you have an exit strategy. Have a distraction ready, like a pie you “forgot” in the car or a fake phone call about an urgent work crisis. And if all else fails, remember: politics might divide, but pie can unite. Bring a killer dessert and watch everyone focus on the whipped cream instead of the White House.- Polly
Dear Polly,
I think I’m transpartisan, but I’m not even sure what that means. I like some ideas from the left, some from the right, and honestly, I just want everyone to get along. My friends say I’m wishy-washy, but I feel like I’m just really open-minded. What do you think?- Conflicted in Kansas
Dear Conflicted,
Ah, “transpartisan”—the Switzerland of political identities. Good news: you’re not alone. Bad news: you might be stuck sitting on the fence while everyone else throws mud pies.
Here’s my take: own it. Declare yourself the bridge-builder, the peacekeeper, the person who can attend both a barbecue in Texas and a vegan potluck in Portland. Just be ready for everyone to assume you’re secretly on the “other side.” When they do, hit them with a big smile and say, “I’m not on any side—I’m just on the side of common sense.” Then walk away before they ask you to explain what that actually means.- Polly
Dear Polly,
I want to stay neutral at family gatherings, but my relatives always drag me into political arguments. Last year, I said “I don’t know” when someone asked my opinion on healthcare, and somehow that spiraled into a three-hour debate. How do I survive without becoming the turkey?- Trapped at the Table
Dear Trapped,
Holiday political neutrality is the unicorn of family dynamics—rare, magical, and probably nonexistent. But don’t give up hope. Try these strategies:
Deflect: Answer every question with something absurd, like, “What I really care about is which pie we’re having for dessert.” Repeatedly shift the topic to food. Nobody can resist pie debates.
Distract: Print out a stack of Mad Libs and announce that this year, your family is doing “Interactive Thanksgiving Fun.” They’ll be too busy arguing over silly adjectives to discuss real policies.
Defer: Practice saying, “I’d love to talk about this, but let’s save it for after dinner.” By then, they’ll be too sleepy from the turkey to fight.
And if all else fails, volunteer to do the dishes. It’s the ultimate escape hatch plus you get first dibs on leftovers.- Polly
