Meet Polly Tix, the no-nonsense, all-knowing guru of political absurdity. With not one, but three master’s degrees in Political Science, Public Policy, and Interpretive Dance (don’t ask), Polly is the ultimate authority on everything from filibusters to fundraising scandals. A self-proclaimed “Professor Emerita of Capitol Chaos,” she’s spent decades decoding the fine art of dodging questions, spinning stories, and surviving bipartisan potlucks. Whether it’s untangling legislative jargon or dissecting the latest Twitter war between politicians who should really know better, Polly delivers advice with a sharp wit and an even sharper tongue. She’s your go-to for navigating the swamp—with humor, a touch of sass, and an encyclopedic knowledge of every scandal since Watergate. Got a question? Don’t worry, Polly knows her sh*t. And if she doesn’t, she’ll fake it better than a campaign promise.
Dear Polly,
I’m a mayor who tried to implement a new parking app for the city, but it turned into a disaster. Nobody can figure out how to use it, and now I’m being roasted online as the “Mayor of No Parking.” What should I do?- App-athetic in Austin
Dear App-athetic,
Ah, the joys of tech-based solutions! Here’s your move: hold a press conference, but not the usual stiff one. Bring in someone’s grandma to “test” the app live. If she figures it out, it’s clearly user-friendly. If not, you can laugh, say “back to the drawing board,” and promise a fix. Bonus points if you turn the old system into a nostalgic “back-in-my-day” moment to humanize yourself.
Next, create a task force. Task forces fix everything in politics—just make sure the name has a snappy acronym like PARK (Public Access Revitalization Kommittee, because no one reads the letters). Spin this as “making your city smarter and more accessible” while buying time to actually fix the app. And maybe rename it to something straightforward like “Park-It.” Boom, re-election saved. – Polly
Dear Polly,
I’m a senator, and I accidentally voted the wrong way on a major bill because I was distracted by a heated fantasy football debate. Now my colleagues are questioning my focus, and my constituents are furious. How do I spin this?- Fumbled in Fargo
Dear Fumbled,
Oof, rookie mistake. First, take a page from the political playbook: admit part of the truth. Say you “misinterpreted” the language of the bill due to “misleading phrasing.” (It’s not lying; it’s politics!)
Next, lean into self-deprecation. Announce on Twitter: “When you care about your team’s QB and the economy, sometimes wires get crossed. My bad, Fargo.” People love a senator who seems human. But be careful—don’t mention fantasy football again unless your league sponsors your next campaign.
Finally, overcompensate by championing a similar bill. Make it your baby. Frame it as a redemption arc and say, “I’m committed to getting this right.” Your constituents will forget you fumbled if you run it back for a touchdown. – Polly
Dear Polly,
My opponent in the upcoming election just started a viral smear campaign, accusing me of being a “flip-flopper” on key issues. The thing is, they’re not wrong—I’ve changed my stance a few times. How do I counter this?- Waffling in Wisconsin
Dear Waffling,
Own it. Seriously, double down on your “flexibility.” Say: “I don’t flip-flop; I evolve based on new evidence and what’s best for my constituents.” It makes you sound like a scientist instead of a politician. People respect growth or at least pretend to.
Next, point out times your opponent “adjusted their position” (a.k.a. flip-flopped) but call it “adapting.” Spin this as, “Hey, we’re both human. The difference is I’m honest about it.” Bonus points if you can throw in a cheesy metaphor: “I’m not a flip-flopper; I’m a compass, always finding the right direction.”
Finally, drown out the smear with a positive campaign blitz. Show off your record, your community ties, and maybe even your dog (a cute dog trumps policy missteps every time). Good luck!- Polly
