Cambridge, MA — In an unprecedented move that stunned both academia and mooching roommates everywhere, Harvard University announced Monday that its endowment has dropped so low it will have to start sharing its Netflix password with MIT and possibly Brown.
The $2.2 billion funding freeze imposed by the White House, combined with skyrocketing costs of maintaining obscure academic departments and Yale-level catering, has pushed the Ivy League school into what it calls “fiscally elite austerity.”
“Look, they still get HBO Max,” said White House spokesperson Chad Gormley. “We’re not monsters.”
Sources close to Harvard’s administration confirm that the university’s president recently downgraded from the Premium Netflix plan to Basic with Ads — a sacrifice that shocked even long-time faculty.
“We tried to watch ‘Oppenheimer’ in the faculty lounge,” said Dr. Linda Penbrook, Chair of Theoretical Something, “but the movie paused every ten minutes to show ads for erectile dysfunction and tax software. This is not the Ivy League way.”
Trump Responds, Offers Help (Sort Of)
Upon hearing of Harvard’s economic woes, former President Donald Trump leapt into action with his signature brand of empathy and unsolicited branding advice.
“Sad! Harvard was once a classy joint. Now they’re stealing WiFi from Dunkin Donuts like a bunch of losers,” Trump said at a rally in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. “I told them — call it ‘Trump University: Elite Edition,’ and I’ll give them the ultra-premium Netflix. No ads. No sharing. Just winning.”
He also claimed to have “the best endowments, everyone says so,” and offered to sell Harvard his old Trump Steaks fridge to help pay for the university’s Hulu subscription.
Students React: “We May Have to Learn Stuff Now”
Across campus, students expressed concern that the Netflix cuts might force them to attend lectures or — in extreme cases — read actual books.
“I came here to vibe, not to be thrown into some ‘Dead Poets Society’ hellscape,” said a junior Comparative Thought major who asked to be identified only as “Kylië.”
Meanwhile, Harvard’s tech department is reportedly working around the clock to install a rotating VPN protocol so students can stream internationally while maintaining academic excellence and plausible deniability.
Bigger Cuts Loom
Insiders warn this could just be the beginning. If conditions worsen, Harvard may be forced to cancel Latin, combine all rowing teams into one mega-boa, and begin charging tourists $25 for selfies with John Harvard’s statue (no touching the foot)
At press time, Yale had offered to “host the password” and “just Venmo Harvard later,” but was ghosted.
