DULUTH, MN – A local man found himself in federal custody this week after casually remarking at a neighborhood barbecue that he could “fix the economy in one day.” The FBI, acting with what some have described as unprecedented urgency, raided the man’s home at 3:00 a.m., citing concerns that his ideas were “dangerously coherent” and posed a serious threat to the long-standing tradition of legislative inefficiency.
According to witnesses, 42-year-old Dave Carlson, an accountant and father of three, made the offhand comment while flipping burgers at his annual backyard cookout. “I just said that if Congress stopped spending like a teenager with their parents’ credit card and actually balanced the budget, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” Carlson explained before being tackled to the ground by a team of federal agents in tactical gear.
Authorities Act Swiftly to Prevent ‘Economic Rationality’ from Spreading
FBI spokesperson Agent Bill Hargrove held a press conference shortly after the raid, confirming that Carlson had been placed on a watchlist of individuals exhibiting suspiciously high levels of common sense.
“We take all threats to the status quo seriously,” Hargrove stated. “We cannot allow dangerous ideas like ‘fiscal responsibility’ and ‘logical spending cuts’ to go unchecked. These extremist viewpoints could undermine years of carefully orchestrated economic chaos.”
Federal authorities say Carlson’s laptop contained disturbing documents, including a detailed spreadsheet titled ‘How to Fix the Economy in 24 Hours’, which experts described as “alarmingly well-organized” and “lacking even a single pork-barrel spending proposal.”
Even more troubling, sources confirm Carlson had posted a meme online stating, ‘Maybe we should audit the Federal Reserve?’—a move that law enforcement agencies have classified as domestic economic terrorism.
Bipartisan Leaders Condemn Carlson’s ‘Unrealistic’ Proposals
Political figures from both parties quickly denounced Carlson’s remarks, calling them “reckless” and “harmful to the established order.”
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Witherspoon condemned Carlson’s radical stance, saying, “Balancing the budget in a single day is not how Washington works. We prefer to hold endless committee meetings, blame the other party, and then pass an omnibus bill at 2:00 a.m. that no one has read.”
Meanwhile, House Speaker Linda Caldwell warned that Carlson’s arrest should serve as a lesson to all citizens: “Economic policy is best left to seasoned professionals who understand the delicate art of pretending to care about deficits while secretly approving $400 billion for a study on the impact of TikTok trends on the military-industrial complex.”
Carlson’s Family Speaks Out
Carlson’s wife, Susan, spoke to reporters outside their home, now riddled with flashbang damage. “Dave is just a normal guy. He reads the news, pays his taxes, and occasionally yells at the TV during C-SPAN hearings. I never imagined this would happen,” she said, shaking her head. “We’ve got people openly embezzling public funds, and this is what the government considers a national security threat?”
Carlson’s 10-year-old son, Jacob, added, “I always thought my dad was just boring. I had no idea he was a mastermind plotting against Congress.”
Bail Denied as Experts Warn of a ‘Ripple Effect’
Carlson remains in federal custody without bail, with prosecutors arguing that releasing him could result in a chain reaction of logical thought across the nation.
Economist Dr. Robert Feldman cautioned, “If one citizen can just think their way to economic stability, what happens next? People might start questioning where their tax dollars actually go. We could see an entire generation of Americans suddenly expecting accountability from their leaders. It’s a terrifying prospect.”
Meanwhile, the FBI is urging Americans to report any family members, neighbors, or coworkers who make “statements indicating an ability to understand basic financial principles.” Citizens can submit anonymous tips through the new ‘Hotline for Dangerous Fiscal Awareness’ at 1-800-NO-LOGIC.
