NEW YORK — As Wall Street reels from one of the worst market meltdowns in years, former President Donald Trump offered Americans a bold new investment strategy: diversify into beef. Specifically, Trump-branded beef.
“Look,” Trump told a packed press conference at the former lobby of Trump Tower, now rebranded as The MAGA Meat Exchange, “stocks go down, bonds are boring, crypto is for weird guys. But steak? Steak is forever. You can grill it, freeze it, smell it — it’s a tangible asset. You can’t say that about the Nasdaq.”
“My 401(k) is medium-rare, and yours should be too.”
Trump urged Americans to roll over their retirement accounts into Trump Steaks Individual Carnivore Accounts™, promising “incredible marbling, zero volatility, and maybe a little salmonella, which builds character.”
He then unveiled a pyramid-shaped “growth chart” made entirely out of raw ribeyes and gold-painted chicken nuggets. “You see this?” Trump said. “This is called meat compounding. Einstein never talked about it, but he should have.”
“Beef-backed currency is the future”
Trump also floated a plan to peg the U.S. dollar to porterhouse cuts, claiming it would “stabilize inflation and make lunch great again.” He proposed printing new $100 bills featuring himself shirtless on a grill with the words “In Steak We Trust.”
When a reporter asked what would happen if the meat spoiled, Trump scoffed: “Wrong. That’s aged beef. It gets better. Like me.”
Wall Street reacts: confused, hungry, alarmed
Financial analysts were quick to respond with disbelief. “This is either performance art or a warning sign of a protein-related mental collapse,” said JPMorgan strategist Dana Lin.
One trader reportedly whispered, “I just bought 12 pounds of sirloin to hedge, in case this somehow works.”
Meanwhile, the Dow fell another 900 points as investors tried to figure out if “Beef ETFs” were real or a typo.
Florida man attempts to transfer IRA into meat freezer
In what is now being referred to as “The Omaha Incident,” a 63-year-old Trump supporter named Dale attempted to convert his entire IRA into frozen Trump Steaks by wheeling a deep freezer into a local Wells Fargo branch.
“He said he was diversifying his meatfolio,” the branch manager said. “We just gave him a lollipop and called security.”
Trump: “This is why they call me the Meat Whisperer”
When asked whether the steaks were even still in production, Trump said:
“Well, technically no. But if demand goes up — and it will — I might restart the whole line. This time with AI-powered cows. That’s artificial intelligence, not artificial beef. Probably.”
Pressed further on whether his plan constituted investment advice, Trump shrugged:
“Listen, I’m not saying put all your retirement in meat. Just most of it. Maybe some in chicken. But not that woke chicken. Only the freedom nuggets.”
Next week: Trump to launch MeatCoin, the first cryptocurrency backed by brisket
In closing remarks, Trump teased a new financial product: MeatCoin, a blockchain currency backed entirely by “warehouse-stored slabs of meat somewhere near New Jersey.”
“I’ve always said, if the dollar fails, you’re gonna want something you can chew on.”
