FROM: Office of Presidential Ice Cream Affairs
TO: White House Staff
DATE: December 13, 2024
SUBJECT: Operation Choco-Mint Diplomacy
Team,
As you know, President Biden’s love for ice cream has become a cornerstone of his public persona. Recent polls indicate that 82% of Americans associate the President with ice cream before politics, puppies, or even aviators. It’s time to weaponize this creamy affection and launch “Operation Choco-Mint Diplomacy.”
Below are the key action items:
1. Official Flavor Endorsements
Current Favorite: Chocolate Chip.
Next Launch: Choco-Mint Unity (tagline: “A cool blend, just like America!”).
Rejected Flavors:
Rocky Road to Re-Election (focus groups found this “too on the nose”).
Pralines and Pathways (confused younger demographics).
2. Ice Cream Diplomacy
To combat rising political tensions, the President will begin hosting Ice Cream Summits with bipartisan leaders. Each meeting starts with a waffle cone toast.
Suggestions for themes:
“Sprinkles of Progress” – Discussing small wins in Congress.
“Double Scoop Agenda” – Tackling healthcare and infrastructure.
3. Viral Moments
Spontaneous “cone drops” on TikTok are scheduled weekly.
POTUS will challenge Gen Z influencers to ice cream-eating contests. Notes: Under no circumstances should the President’s dentures slip mid-recording. Reminder to keep pudding cups on standby.
4. International Outreach
Collaborate with G7 leaders for a “Global Sundae Summit.” Angela Merkel suggested Germany’s contribution be “Strudel Swirl,” but she’s retired, so skip her.
Potential PR disaster: Vladimir Putin’s rumored “Cold War Vanilla” flavor. Pre-emptively mock in press briefings.
5. Emergency Ice Cream Protocols
In the event of an ice cream shortage:
Deploy National Guard to Dairy Queen outlets.
Address the nation with a “Keep Calm and Eat Popsicles” campaign.
Closing Notes:
The President’s love of ice cream is more than dessert – it’s a unifying force. Remember, no scoop is too small to mend divides. The fate of the free world might just rest on a perfectly churned double scoop.
Signed,
[Signature Unreadable Due to Ice Cream Smudge]
Chief Strategist of Dairy Affairs
