In a move economists have described as “breathtaking in its creativity and disregard for math,” President Trump officially unveiled Liberation Day—a new national holiday meant to “free Americans from the shackles of boring, predictable financial systems.”
“Liberation Day is about freedom,” Trump declared at a podium shaped like a giant receipt. “Freedom from inflation charts, freedom from experts, and freedom from numbers that don’t flatter me.”
A Historic Break From Reality
Trump signed the Economic Emancipation Executive Order live on Truth Social, claiming it would “end the tyranny of decimals” and “liberate every American from the burden of understanding interest rates.”
Under the new policy, all federal economic data will be replaced by Trump’s personal “Freedom Index,” a metric determined weekly by his mood, golf performance, and number of social media likes.
“We used to rely on GDP, inflation, job numbers—all fake, by the way,” Trump said. “Now, if I feel like the economy is doing well, it is. And if I don’t, someone gets fired.”
Kid Rock Joins Economic Brain Trust, Brings Zero Notes and One Guitar
Adding to the day’s surreal tone, Kid Rock was spotted in the Oval Office wearing American flag overalls and what sources described as “a knowing smirk.” According to aides, he was there to help “advise on economic freedom,” though it’s unclear what advice was given or whether he ever stopped playing air guitar. One senior staffer said he arrived uninvited but “fit the vibe too well to ask him to leave.”
Policy Highlights
Liberation Day’s economic reforms include:
- Replacing the Federal Reserve with a retired bouncer from one of Trump’s casinos
- Allowing Americans to pay taxes in expired store credit and unopened DVD box sets
- Indexing the national debt to Trump NFT values and “gut feelings”
The IRS has been temporarily suspended and replaced with a network of roaming truth officers armed with iPads and commemorative foam fingers.
Mixed Reactions
Supporters have praised the plan as “bold,” “refreshing,” and “unlike anything the economy has survived before.”
“This is how freedom works,” said one Liberation Day parade-goer, who was wearing three pairs of sunglasses and holding a sparkler. “Who needs stable interest rates when you’ve got vibes and a coupon for Trump-branded brisket?”
Critics, meanwhile, have raised concerns about the legality of replacing the Department of the Treasury with a MAGA merch truck. Several Nobel Prize-winning economists attempted to hold a press conference but were drowned out by a Liberation Day flyover featuring jet-powered golf carts.
What’s Next
Trump has promised to expand Liberation Day into a full Liberation Month if the stock market “can handle the truth.” He also teased future reforms including:
- Eliminating coins (“too small to respect”)
- Replacing 401(k)s with lifetime Truth Social subscriptions
- And declaring bankruptcy “a patriotic reset”
As fireworks lit up the sky in the shape of dollar signs, one thing became clear: Liberation Day isn’t about prosperity—it’s about perception. And according to the White House’s latest Freedom Index? Everything’s going great. Probably. Maybe. Many people are saying this.
