WASHINGTON, D.C. — As grocery shelves across America remain barren of eggs, President Donald J. Trump hosted the most opulent White House Easter Egg Roll in U.S. history, featuring over 30,000 real eggs, a 14-karat golden chicken coop, and Melania Trump in a $1.7 million Swarovski-crusted bonnet whispering “Let them eat deviled eggs” to stunned onlookers.
The event, dubbed “Eggstravaganza 2025,” featured diamond-dusted omelets, champagne-poached egg shooters, and a live reenactment of the Last Supper performed entirely by MAGA interns in bunny costumes.
Eggs for the Elite: Shell Games on the South Lawn
White House aides confirmed that the eggs were sourced from a private underground vault in Nebraska labeled “For Emergencies and High-End Brunch Only.” The American Egg Board defended the lavish usage, stating:
“The President’s yolks are not your yolks.”
President Trump, dressed in a pastel suit made entirely of laminated Time covers with his face on them, addressed the crowd:
“People said, ‘Sir, the country has no eggs.’ And I said, ‘I have eggs. The best eggs. Better than Obama’s eggs. And certainly better than Joe’s invisible eggs.’”
Melania’s “Eggwalk of Fame” Draws Criticism, Applause, and One Emergency Room Visit
As Melania descended the South Lawn staircase—eggshells cracking under her 8-inch gold heels—she greeted press wearing a bejeweled bonnet rumored to have its own Secret Service detail.
“These eggs are not for peasants. They are for pageants,” she murmured, sipping from a champagne flute filled with clarified eggnog and disdain.
Meanwhile, an intern reportedly slipped on an avocado deviled egg, requiring full orthopedic realignment.
Nation Furious, But Glued to Live Stream
While many Americans stood in line outside supermarkets hoping for a glimpse of a Grade A, the Egg Roll was livestreamed to 18 million viewers, most of whom hate-watched while eating toast with nothing on it.
A small group of protestors attempted to storm the South Lawn armed with plastic eggs filled with expired coupons and rage. They were promptly distracted by a 12-foot chocolate bunny with a built-in Bluetooth speaker blasting Toby Keith.
J.D. Vance Declares Egg Roll “A Spiritual Experience”
Standing beside Trump in a camouflage tuxedo, newly appointed “Egg Czar” J.D. Vance declared the event a “rebirth of Americana through the poultry arts.”
He then read a poem titled “Ode to the Shell” and wept softly into a carton labeled Freedom Size™.
Next Year’s Theme?
Officials have confirmed that 2026’s Egg Roll theme will be “No Shell Left Behind.”
Rumors swirl that Melania will arrive in a helicopter shaped like a hen and that the event will be sponsored by Popeyes, Hobby Lobby, and the ghost of Fabergé himself.
