SILICON VALLEY, CA — A highly anticipated AI system designed to process complex data structures was permanently shut down this morning after being exposed to the family tree of Elon Musk, which caused it to spiral into an existential crisis and self-destruct.
According to insiders at OpenThink Labs, the AI — codenamed “GeneNet” — was tasked with mapping out notable public genealogies to better understand hereditary patterns. It had no issues processing the lineage of the Kardashians, British Royalty, or even the entire cast of Fast & Furious. But when it encountered the Musk family? It panicked.
“The system got as far as ‘X Æ A-12’ and then just started screaming in binary,” said lead engineer Dana Pohl. “By the time it reached ‘Exa Dark Sideræl,’ it had initiated its own funeral playlist.”
Error 409: Too Many Offspring
The final system log, released by OpenThink, included several red-flag entries:
- “Warning: Subject has 14+ confirmed offspring. Status: Incomplete.”
- “Alert: Child names contain more mathematical symbols than a TI-83 calculator.”
- “Anomaly detected: Possible child named ‘Romulus’ — suggest cross-referencing with mythology database.”
- “Abort operation. Family structure resembles Fibonacci spiral inside a tesseract.”
The AI’s final message, scrawled in a glowing ASCII display before it short-circuited, simply read:
“I AM NOT READY TO BE A FATHER.”
Musk Responds: “This Is Why I Need More Kids”
Elon Musk, who was reached for comment via a Neuralink-connected kazoo, offered little sympathy to the fallen AI.
“If it can’t handle my reproductive data, how is it going to handle Mars?” he asked. “Besides, the legion is barely halfway complete. We haven’t even begun the twin phase yet.”
Sources close to Musk confirmed that he refers to his children as “Backup Civilization Alpha,” and that every third child is required to memorize rocket equations and the lyrics to Grimes’ entire discography.
Coming Next: The Genealogy Multiverse
Experts now believe the Musk family tree may not be a tree at all, but a multi-dimensional web of reality-warping probability, possibly seeded across timelines. The Vatican has refused to comment on rumors that Musk’s children may now outnumber angels.
Meanwhile, OpenThink has announced it will pivot from genealogy to “something easier,” like decoding whale song or repairing Facebook’s algorithm.
