In a groundbreaking effort to tackle climate change and political cynicism simultaneously, Congress has passed a new law requiring politicians to plant a tree for every campaign promise they fail to fulfill. Dubbed the “Green Promises Act,” the law has already transformed Washington, D.C., into what some are calling the “Amazon Rainforest of Accountability.”
Forests on the Mall
Just days after the law’s implementation, the National Mall has been overrun with saplings of every variety. Cherry trees, maples, and oaks now line the steps of the Capitol, forming a lush canopy that’s drawing comparisons to national parks.
“It’s amazing. One day I was jogging past the Washington Monument, and the next day I was lost in a forest,” said one local resident. “The squirrels have already started campaigning for mayor.”
Lawmakers Take to the Shovels
The law requires politicians to personally plant their trees, a clause that has led to some unusual scenes on Capitol Hill. Senator Chuck Schumer was spotted struggling with a bag of mulch, while Senator Ted Cruz reportedly asked if he could plant a cactus instead of a tree. Meanwhile, President Biden planted his first oak tree, quipping, “This one’s for the student loan forgiveness I’m still working on.”
In a bipartisan moment, Senators Bernie Sanders and Mitch McConnell were seen arguing over the proper way to hold a shovel. “You’re holding it wrong,” Sanders reportedly said, to which McConnell replied, “I’ve been holding onto promises longer than you’ve been alive.”
Unintended Consequences
The sudden boom in tree planting has sent shockwaves through the economy. Lumber prices have plummeted as forests spring up overnight, and environmentalists are struggling to keep up with the influx of new green spaces. “We’re thrilled about the trees, but we’re concerned about the environmental impact of so many campaign promises being broken at once,” said one activist.
Local nurseries are overwhelmed, with some reporting that politicians are bulk-ordering saplings like they’re Costco toilet paper. “We’ve sold out of trees three times this week,” said one nursery owner. “If this keeps up, we’re going to have to start importing trees from Canada.”
The Great Loop Hole Debate
Critics argue that the law has already led to creative attempts at loopholes. Some lawmakers have begun making deliberately vague promises, such as “We’ll look into it,” while others have switched to campaign slogans that promise nothing at all.
Former President Donald Trump issued a statement declaring the law “the best thing that ever happened to forests, maybe ever,” and suggesting that his promises were “too perfect to break.” He then planted a single tree with a gold-plated shovel and declared it “the most luxurious tree in America.”
A Greener Future?
While the Green Promises Act is still in its infancy, it’s already become a game-changer in D.C. “If nothing else, it’s making politicians think twice before they open their mouths,” said one political analyst. “Or at least it’s making them better gardeners.”
As D.C. transforms into a sprawling forest, one thing is clear: the Green Promises Act has proven that even broken promises can have a silver—or green—lining.
