In a shocking yet oddly predictable revelation, newly surfaced White House records indicate that in the final months of Joe Biden’s presidency, he mistook a Roomba for a Secret Service agent—and not only that, but he promoted it to National Security Advisor.
The robotic vacuum, affectionately referred to in official transcripts as “Agent Swifty,” reportedly followed Biden around the Oval Office for weeks, receiving top-level intelligence briefings and dodging classified documents like furniture legs.
A ‘Loyal Protector’
Insiders say the mix-up began after Biden, noticing the Roomba diligently following him around, mistook it for an agent assigned to his detail. Sources claim he once praised the Roomba for its “incredible ability to move in any direction without hesitation” before shaking its plastic bumper and commending its bravery.
According to one former aide, the moment things got serious was when Biden, in a late-night meeting, saw the Roomba maneuver around a chair and mistook it for tactical evasive training.
“It was then that he decided this was the kind of quick thinking we needed at the highest levels of national security,” said an anonymous White House staffer. “Next thing we knew, the Roomba had its own security clearance.”
The Briefing Room Mishap
Perhaps the most bizarre moment of this saga came during an intelligence briefing, when a Pentagon official tried to hand ‘Agent Swifty’ a classified folder, only for it to immediately vacuum up the papers and beep in triumph.
This reportedly led to a frantic 20-minute mission to retrieve national secrets from the device’s dustbin, an incident now classified under the code name “Operation Debris Control.”
A Security Disaster in the Making
The situation escalated when, in the Roomba’s first and only official statement, it accidentally emailed a foreign diplomat by bouncing into the wrong Wi-Fi network.
“We thought it was an encrypted message,” a White House cybersecurity expert admitted. “Turns out it was just a series of random beeps and a low battery warning. But still, we had to call China and assure them we weren’t declaring war.”
The Fallout
Biden’s successor, upon discovering the Roomba had been sitting in on high-level strategy meetings and was still set to “auto clean” at 4 AM daily, ordered an immediate deactivation. Sources say “Agent Swifty” was last seen being escorted out of the Situation Room by two actual Secret Service agents, leaving behind a spotless floor and a trail of confusion.
Despite the scandal, some in Washington argue that “Swifty the Roomba” was no worse than some previous National Security Advisors.
“I mean, compared to some of the people we’ve had in that position, the Roomba actually made fewer messes,” said one political analyst. “And at least it didn’t tweet classified information.”
Final Thoughts
While Biden has not commented on the revelation, sources claim he was overheard asking, “Where’s the little guy? He was the best of us.”
The Roomba, reportedly now living in a secure, undisclosed location, remains unavailable for comment.
