In a bold move to modernize the image of public officials, the Pentagon has announced the release of a ‘Tough Guy’ Filter, designed to make politicians look effortlessly cool at press conferences. The cutting-edge software automatically adds leather jackets, aviator sunglasses, and CGI-enhanced muscle definition to all official government photos and videos.
The Big Reveal
At a high-energy press briefing—complete with dramatic lighting and power chords from an electric guitar—Pentagon officials showcased a before-and-after montage featuring key political figures. The difference was stunning.
“America needs strong leadership, and nothing screams strength like a well-placed pair of aviators and biceps that defy reality,” a Pentagon spokesperson declared while adjusting his own virtual leather jacket.
The software, built by a defense contractor who “wanted to make Congress look like the Expendables,” includes pre-set ‘Toughness Levels.’ Politicians can choose from options like:
- Casual Maverick – Simple shades and a bomber jacket, ideal for budget hearings.
- Action Hero Senator – Leather trench coat and a dramatic wind effect that follows the wearer.
- Ultimate Patriot – Includes a bald eagle perched on the shoulder (CGI, but incredibly lifelike).
How It Works
Utilizing advanced AI technology and inspiration from 80s action movies, the filter automatically enhances any government-issued footage. It also adds subtle gravelly voice modulation, ensuring that even the nerdiest congressman sounds like Clint Eastwood.
White House Press Secretary was quick to reassure reporters that the software does not alter official statements—just makes them “sound way more badass.”
Reactions from the Public
The response has been overwhelmingly mixed.
Supporters say the filter is “the first good idea to come out of Washington in decades.” One voter was overheard saying, “Finally, Congress looks like it’s ready to take on an alien invasion.”
However, critics argue that the tool is being misused, with some politicians now refusing to appear in public unless the filter is applied.
Unexpected Side Effects
Not all politicians have adapted well to their new action-hero personas.
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Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly rejected the filter outright, stating, “I don’t need sunglasses to tell you that the top 1% owns more cool filters than the bottom 99%.”
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Former President Biden accidentally had the filter set to ‘Rockstar Mode’ during a G7 meeting, leading to confusion when world leaders mistook him for Jon Bon Jovi.
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President Trump demanded his version of the filter include golden aviators and “bigger muscles than The Rock.”
What’s Next?
Pentagon insiders say future updates will include ‘Dramatic Explosion Backgrounds’ and a ‘Slow Motion Walk’ feature to enhance official speeches. There are even rumors of a ‘Villain Mode’, just in case politicians want to lean into their more menacing policies.
As the filter rolls out nationwide, one thing is clear: politics may never be cool, but at least it can finally look cool.
