VATICAN CITY — After watching former President Donald Trump’s latest rally speech, Pope Francis reportedly turned to his advisors, made the sign of the cross, and solemnly declared, “This man needs an exorcism.”
A Divine Intervention
Witnesses inside the Vatican claim the Pope, known for his efforts to promote peace and rational discourse, briefly considered whether Trump’s words were the result of mere political strategy or something far more sinister. “I have seen many things in my time,” Pope Francis said, “but never before have I felt the urgent need to sprinkle holy water through a television screen.”
The pontiff then instructed senior cardinals to prepare a special rite—a customized exorcism specifically designed for reality TV stars-turned-politicians. “This is not your standard ‘The power of Christ compels you’ situation,” said one Vatican official. “We’re talking about a deeply embedded, possibly orange-tinted force.”
The Ritual Setup
Sources say the Vatican has dispatched a team of highly trained priests, armed with crucifixes, incense, and a dictionary for real-time fact-checking. The ritual, tentatively scheduled to take place via satellite link, will reportedly include prayers, Gregorian chants, and a direct reading of the U.S. Constitution, a document Trump has allegedly never been able to finish.
Reports indicate that Vatican scholars are still debating whether a full exorcism is necessary or if simply confiscating Trump’s phone for 48 hours might be sufficient to restore some semblance of normalcy. “The tweets alone suggest an unnatural force at work,” said Cardinal Giuseppe Romano. “This is not the work of a mere mortal—it’s something darker.”
The White House Responds
When asked about the Pope’s concern, Trump responded in typical fashion. “The Pope? Great guy, people love him. But frankly, I don’t need an exorcism. I’m the most stable genius, maybe ever. If anything, the Vatican should be asking ME to perform an exorcism on THEM! People are saying I have the best exorcisms.”
Vatican officials reportedly sighed at the statement, then added an extra bucket of holy water to their preparations.
Next Steps
While it’s unclear if Trump will accept the Vatican’s divine assistance, sources say Pope Francis is prepared to escalate matters if necessary. “If the exorcism fails,” one high-ranking cardinal said, “we may have to try the nuclear option—a sternly worded prayer and a strongly worded press release.”
As of press time, the Pope was seen writing “May God have mercy on us all” in Latin on an emergency scroll, just in case.
