WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprising escalation of his national security directive, President Donald Trump issued an addendum to his recent security clearance memo Friday evening, adding pop icon Taylor Swift to the list of individuals barred from accessing classified government information.
“I don’t trust that whole squad,” Trump told reporters at a press event outside Mar-a-Lago, holding up a laminated collage of the Eras Tour lineup with suspicious red arrows drawn in Sharpie. “Too many sequins. Too much coordination. You don’t build a tour that successful without knowing something.”
A Swift Decision
The memo, which originally included President Biden, Vice President Harris, Hillary Clinton, and other political opponents, now ends with a handwritten note reading: “Also Taylor Swift. Probably up to something. Check her phone.”
While it’s unclear whether Swift ever had, requested, or even wanted a security clearance, Trump insisted it was a “preemptive strike” against what he called “potential psychological ops through pop music.”
“She’s always dropping hints, folks. You ever notice that? Hidden messages, coded lyrics. Cats? Owls? Roman numerals? I don’t like it. Intelligence says she might be recruiting through Spotify,” Trump warned, though no such intelligence exists.
Conspiracy? Or Just ‘Style’?
Sources inside the White House confirmed that Trump recently spent “an entire afternoon” studying Swift’s Reputation album, taking notes and highlighting lyrics he believed were “clearly anti-Trump” and possibly “deep state adjacent.”
Aides say he became increasingly alarmed after viewing the “You Belong With Me” video, which he interpreted as “a cry for help from the intelligence community.”
One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Trump has also grown wary of the Swift-Travis Kelce relationship, referring to the NFL tight end as “a possible double agent” and “suspiciously tall.”
Response From Camp Swift
Swift’s team declined official comment, though an unnamed tour manager reportedly laughed for nine straight minutes upon hearing the news. Fans took to social media to mock the move, launching the hashtag #SwiftStateSecrets and joking that Taylor was the new head of the CIA’s Covert Glitter Division.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have embraced the development. Popular right-wing message boards are now rife with speculation that Swift’s Eras Tour was a distraction operation meant to hide the true location of the nuclear codes.
What’s Next?
Trump has hinted that additional names may soon be added to the clearance ban, including “that one guy from Coldplay” and “whoever runs Sesame Street now.”
In a closing statement, Trump reassured the public: “We’re watching. We’re monitoring. And if Taylor thinks she can just shake it off, she’s got another thing coming.”
As of press time, the Department of Homeland Security confirmed that Taylor Swift remains a private citizen, with no known access to classified materials, missile codes, or Area 51. Still, officials are reportedly considering assigning her a low-level agent just “in case she tries anything during her acoustic set.”
Follow Politicule for more breaking updates on America’s pop-star security crisis.
