LONDON — In a shocking yet somehow entirely predictable turn of events, Prince Andrew has officially addressed his appearance on Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous list, insisting that he was merely “asking for directions” and that any assumptions beyond that are “frankly outrageous.”
During an emergency press conference held in a Buckingham Palace broom closet, the Duke of York nervously wiped sweat from his brow as he assured reporters that his involvement was nothing more than a case of being “terribly lost.”
“I was simply trying to find my way to a charity function, or perhaps a Pizza Express—details are a bit fuzzy,” Andrew explained while flipping through a stack of pre-written denials. “At no point did I engage in any wrongdoing. In fact, I was under the impression that Mr. Epstein was some sort of high-end travel agent.”
The Prince further elaborated that he has always had “an absolutely dreadful sense of direction” and that he routinely asks for help finding his way, even in completely normal places like private islands and non-extradition countries.
Sweaty Accusations
Skeptics, however, remain unconvinced, pointing out that Prince Andrew’s response bears a striking resemblance to his previous claims that he couldn’t sweat due to a “peculiar medical condition.” When questioned further about this, he clarified that his sweat glands were actually working again but had taken a brief sabbatical at the time of his visits.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has released a formal statement reading, “Prince Andrew is a private citizen who categorically denies any wrongdoing. Also, if anyone asks, he’s not home.”
More Excuses to Come
Royal insiders claim that Andrew is currently workshopping additional excuses should further evidence emerge, including:
- “I thought Epstein was just a very popular cruise director.”
- “My name appearing there was a clerical error. Must have been meant for Prince Albert.”
- “I was just following Waze, and somehow it rerouted me to his island.”
At press time, Andrew was seen updating his LinkedIn profile to include “Expert in Geographic Misunderstandings” and “Professional Exile Enthusiast.”
More to come as this story develops—assuming Prince Andrew doesn’t suddenly forget where he was.
