In a press event held outside the Capitol, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. stunned reporters by announcing he possesses a “rare neuro-electromagnetic sensitivity” that allows him to detect Wi-Fi signals using only his teeth.
Kennedy, wearing a copper-lined motorcycle helmet and what appeared to be a repurposed Invisalign tray, called for the immediate installation of a massive Faraday cage around the U.S. Capitol to block harmful radiation.
“Every time Chuck Schumer opens Gmail, my molars start ringing like a dinner bell,” Kennedy said. “I’m not saying it’s fatal, but I blacked out for three hours during the last energy committee meeting.”
The Proposal
Kennedy introduced a new legislative initiative called the No Bars Act, which would ban all Wi-Fi routers within a five-mile radius of federal buildings, require all government communications to be conducted via handwritten notes or Morse code, and create a federal task force to monitor “electromagnetic aggression.”
He also proposed a tax credit for Americans who switch to landlines, dial-up modems, or “yelling through tubes,” and floated the idea of appointing a Wireless Sensitivity Czar to oversee compliance. He offered himself for the role.
“This isn’t paranoia,” Kennedy said. “It’s a legitimate medical condition backed by dozens of pamphlets I printed myself.”
Scientific Confusion
Medical experts were quick to weigh in. Dr. Lila Gomez, a neurologist at Johns Hopkins, said, “There’s no evidence anyone can detect Wi-Fi with their teeth. What he’s describing sounds more like a Bluetooth speaker got stuck in his mouth.”
The American Dental Association also issued a statement confirming that while teeth are capable of many things—biting, chewing, clenching—they are not certified network analyzers.
Despite this, Kennedy insists his upper bicuspids can distinguish between 2.4GHz and 5GHz networks “based on the tingling pattern.”
Political Fallout
Reaction in Washington was mixed. Democrats dismissed the proposal as “aluminum-scented nonsense,” while some Republicans expressed brief interest before learning the Faraday cage would interfere with Fox News reception.
Meanwhile, Capitol staff reported a spike in signal interference after Kennedy wandered into the Senate cloakroom mumbling about “hotspots in his gums.”
The Road Ahead
Kennedy’s campaign says the candidate is currently testing whether Bluetooth waves are responsible for sarcasm in teenagers, and plans to release findings once his tongue “stops vibrating.”
Asked whether the dental Wi-Fi detection claim might hurt his presidential chances, Kennedy shook his head. “It’s not about the polls,” he said. “It’s about protecting our enamel. And our freedom.”
