TO: All Congressional Offices
FROM: Office of Congressional Productivity
SUBJECT: Unauthorized Candy Crush Usage During Legislative Sessions
DATE: December 19, 2024
BACKGROUND:
As part of an internal review of congressional productivity, it has come to our attention that a concerning number of lawmakers are engaging in non-legislative activities during hearings and sessions. Specifically, Candy Crush Saga has become an epidemic-level distraction, compromising focus and undermining public trust.
KEY FINDINGS:
Unprecedented Game Time: Data indicates that over 72% of Congress has downloaded Candy Crush Saga on their devices, with an average daily playtime of 2.6 hours during working hours.
Notable Offenders:
Senator Linda Low-Flow (D-CA) reached Level 3,456 during a three-hour hearing on water conservation. Eyewitnesses reported her muttering, “This level is impossible,” moments before voting against a critical infrastructure amendment.
Representative Rick Flushworthy (R-TX) expensed $500 in in-app purchases labeled as “constituent engagement tools.” Upon investigation, these purchases were revealed to be lollipop hammers and extra lives.
Speaker Nancy Polosi paused mid-speech to complete a challenging jelly level, blaming “WiFi interference” when confronted.
Security Risks: Reports suggest Candy Crush notifications distracted several lawmakers during sensitive intelligence briefings. One aide noted, “It’s hard to focus on national security when someone shouts, ‘Sweet!’ every 30 seconds.”
IMPACT ON CONGRESS:
The use of mobile games has led to public outcry after images of elected officials playing during hearings surfaced online. Viral memes such as “Candyland Congress” and “Leveling Up While We’re Down” have caused reputational damage.
Further concerns have been raised about potential foreign influence. Cybersecurity experts warn that game servers could be exploited to monitor congressional activity or influence decision-making through subtle game algorithms.
PROPOSED ACTIONS:
Mandatory Training: All lawmakers will attend a workshop titled “Focus First: Breaking the Candy Habit.” This will include mindfulness exercises and alternatives to mobile gaming during downtime.
Restricted Access: Mobile devices will be limited to work-related apps during official sessions. Noncompliance will result in removal of Candy Crush from congressional-issued devices.
National Candy Crush Task Force: Led by Senator Serious Sampson (I-MA), this bipartisan initiative will investigate the broader implications of mobile game distractions on governance.
STATEMENTS:
“This is a betrayal of public trust. We need legislation, not candy combos,” said Senator Serious Sampson.
King Digital Entertainment, the game’s developer, issued a statement: “We are proud to bring joy to players worldwide, but we remind all users to crush candy responsibly—especially if you’re running a country.”
NEXT STEPS:
This office will closely monitor compliance and provide updates on the effectiveness of these measures. We urge all members to reflect on the impact their actions have on the institution’s integrity. Remember: real progress cannot be achieved through virtual candies.
Yours in productivity,
Office of Congressional Productivity
