WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what is being described as the most embarrassing government oversight since the “Bridge to Nowhere,” the Senate has unanimously approved $50 million in funding for what they believed was a top-secret emergency bunker, only to discover that it’s actually an abandoned Pizza Hut on the outskirts of Des Moines, Iowa.
The funding, buried deep within a 1,200-page infrastructure bill, was pitched as a “state-of-the-art facility designed to safeguard the nation’s leaders during catastrophic events.” However, the red-roofed building with faded lettering and a defunct soda fountain told a different story.
“The Ultimate Camouflage”
The proposal, authored by Senator Arthur Gribbs (D-ID), described the facility as an “unassuming, impenetrable fortress.” Gribbs defended the decision, saying, “Who would ever think to look for the nation’s leaders in a former Pizza Hut? It’s the ultimate camouflage. This is 4D chess, people.”
Critics pointed out that the bunker’s so-called “security features” included a broken drive-thru speaker and a sign advertising “$5 Pepperoni Pizzas” from 1998. Despite this, supporters of the project maintained that the building’s nostalgic charm was an asset.
“Imagine the enemy standing outside, confused, asking themselves, ‘Why would the U.S. government hide here?’ It’s psychological warfare at its finest,” said Senator Linda McCreedy (R-NV).
Bipartisan Regret
The debacle came to light during a site visit by Senate staffers who immediately recognized the unmistakable smell of old mozzarella and grease. “The moment I saw the checkerboard tablecloths, I knew we’d made a mistake,” admitted one aide who asked to remain anonymous.
Senators on both sides of the aisle scrambled to downplay the error. “Yes, it’s unconventional, but unconventional times call for unconventional measures,” said Majority Leader Harold Peabody (R-TX). “And who doesn’t love the occasional slice of pizza during an emergency?”
Public Backlash
News of the fiasco quickly went viral, with social media users coining the hashtag #PizzaHutBunker. Memes flooded the internet, featuring politicians huddled around a buffet line stocked with breadsticks and stale salad.
Taxpayer advocacy groups were less amused. “This is exactly why people lose faith in government,” said Sheila Portman, director of Waste Watch. “$50 million for what? A secret stash of stuffed crust?”
Others speculated that the funding was the result of a lobbying effort by the “Big Pizza” industry. Domino’s, however, denied involvement, releasing a statement that read: “We’re not clever enough to pull this off.”
A Silver Lining
While the Senate faced bipartisan ridicule, some members saw an opportunity to pivot. Senator Gribbs announced plans to convert the building into a “multi-use facility,” citing potential as both a low-cost dining hall and a venue for bipartisan retreats.
“Who knows? Maybe this Pizza Hut bunker will become a symbol of unity,” Gribbs said. “Because if there’s one thing Americans can agree on, it’s pizza.”
For now, the building remains empty, save for an old arcade machine and a colony of pigeons nesting in the roof. A small plaque near the entrance reads: “Dedicated to the brave men and women who believed this was a good idea.”
