WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning display of legislative priorities, Congress has once again managed to avoid solving a national crisis while ensuring funding for something truly essential: a $12 billion turtle sanctuary in honor of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
With the government teetering on the edge of a shutdown, lawmakers scrambled to pass a last-minute spending bill. However, negotiations took a bizarre turn when a mysterious line item was discovered deep in the bill’s fine print:
“SEC. 384. ESTABLISHMENT OF THE ‘MITCH MCCONNELL MEMORIAL TURTLE PARK’ TO PROTECT KENTUCKY’S MOST ENDANGERED REPTILES (INCLUDING SENIOR MEMBERS OF CONGRESS).”
The revelation sparked outrage from some corners, but a shocking 93-7 vote approved the funding, with many lawmakers admitting they had no idea what they just voted for.
Prioritizing the Important Things
When pressed on the issue, McConnell (R-KY) shrugged off concerns, saying “Well, y’know, America’s got a lot of problems, but slow and steady wins the race. Also, this park will have a lovely pond.”
The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), defended the expenditure, explaining that “turtle conservation is a deeply libertarian issue”, while Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) noted that “for once, we’re investing in something that actually moves slower than Congress.”
What’s in the ‘Mitch McConnell Memorial Turtle Park’?
According to the 800-page proposal, the park will feature:
✅ A $3 billion ‘Filibuster Lagoon,’ where turtles can endlessly circle without reaching a conclusion.
✅ A ‘Cloture Cliffs Obstacle Course’ that takes 60 votes to complete.
✅ A custom-made Shell Waxing Station, so Mitch’s fellow cold-blooded creatures can keep their exteriors looking sharp.
✅ A pond designed to resemble a Kentucky bourbon barrel, because, as one senator put it, “Mitch prefers his turtles aged.”
Meanwhile, government employees, military personnel, and social security recipients are left wondering when—or if—the government will actually fund anything that benefits actual humans.
Congress Celebrates the Deal
To commemorate the passage of the bill, Congress held a bipartisan ‘Shellabration’ on Capitol Hill. President Biden, trying to explain the significance of the bill, began a 15-minute anecdote about a pet turtle he had in 1956 before Kamala Harris gently took the microphone away.
As for McConnell? Sources say he has already begun scouting the perfect swampy location for the park, which, coincidentally, looks a lot like his Senate office.
