Move over, Gandhi. Step aside, MLK. Pack it up, Einstein. Donald Trump has been crowned TIME’s 2024 Person of the Year, cementing his status as the most important human to ever exist, according to Donald Trump. In what can only be described as the most humble announcement in journalistic history, TIME’s cover boldly declares: “He’s Back, and He Brought His Playlist.”
Mar-a-Lago: America’s True Mount Rushmore
TIME’s reporters were ushered into Mar-a-Lago, which they described as a combination of Versailles and a HomeGoods clearance aisle. Walls were adorned with framed magazine covers featuring Trump, a portrait of Trump as a tennis champion (a sport he does not play), and inexplicably, a urinal-adjacent photo of Trump with Arnold Palmer. This is what historians call “modesty in décor.”
The estate, an architectural masterpiece styled after “Moorish palace meets Florida retirement community,” played host to Trump’s interview, where he expounded on his triumphant return to politics, the state of the nation, and the secret to his success (spoiler: it’s him).
The Hand Bruise of Destiny
When asked about the bruising on his right hand, Trump explained it was from “shaking hands with thousands of people.” This is, of course, the mark of a man of the people. Lesser leaders would use handshakes to connect with voters, but Trump has turned the act into a blood sport, heroically risking carpal tunnel for America.
Analysts predict that by 2025, Trump’s hand will be enshrined in the Smithsonian, next to Dorothy’s ruby slippers and the Wright brothers’ plane. The plaque will read: “The Hand That Made America Great Again, Again.”
From “Disgrace” to “72 Days of Fury”
Trump’s return to power is described by TIME as “unparalleled in American history,” a phrase they generously chose over “completely bonkers.” His campaign, dubbed “72 Days of Fury” by Trump himself (because what is democracy without a WWE-style tagline?), apparently involved shaking the country to its very core.
While most candidates rely on policy proposals, Trump instead employed a simpler strategy: raw anger. TIME notes that his ability to channel suburban moms’ rage about school lunches and tech bros’ frustration with two-factor authentication led him to victory. It’s called “tapping into the zeitgeist,” folks.
A Survivor’s Journey
This year alone, Trump has survived an assassination attempt, multiple criminal convictions, and his own campaign rallies. When a bullet grazed his skull during a July rally, Trump reportedly rose, bloodied but triumphant, and began chanting, “Fight!” If you think this sounds more like the climax of Gladiator than a political event, you’re not alone. Sources confirm Russell Crowe was in the audience, taking notes.
To many, this moment transformed Trump from a divisive politician into an inspirational figure. To others, it reinforced that we’re all living in a simulation and someone’s leaning way too hard on the “chaos” button.
A Visionary Foreign Policy: America First, Everyone Else Last
In his upcoming term, Trump plans to revolutionize foreign policy with what experts are calling “extreme vibes.” Promising to dismantle global alliances, punish transnational criminals (like whoever invented TikTok dances), and put tariffs on everything from French wine to Canadian politeness, Trump assures America it’s time to “win bigly” on the world stage.
He’s also vowed to deport “millions” of migrants, dismantle parts of the federal government, and “seek revenge” on political adversaries, because nothing says “stable democracy” like the plot of John Wick.
The Visionary Painting: A Portrait of Trump in Tennis Whites
The article describes a painting titled The Visionary, depicting Trump as “trim and youthful” in a tennis sweater. Critics have noted the artistic liberties, considering Trump’s tennis experience likely begins and ends with criticizing Wimbledon players for not wearing MAGA hats. Rumor has it the painter was paid in unlimited Mar-a-Lago buffet vouchers and a signed copy of The Art of the Deal.
Abortion, Vote by Mail, and Other Minor Details
Trump’s campaign also saw him embrace strategic pivots, such as deciding that women shouldn’t actually be punished for seeking abortions (progress!) and reluctantly agreeing to promote vote by mail. Sources say this change of heart came after aides framed the issue as “letting fans preorder their votes, like a MAGA-edition iPhone.”
When asked about his newfound embrace of early voting, Trump reportedly replied, “Great, we’ll do a video.” That’s right, folks—nothing inspires confidence in democracy like a policy announcement formatted for TikTok.
A TIME Cover for the Ages
TIME’s selection of Trump as Person of the Year has sparked debate, with critics noting that other contenders (like ChatGPT, Taylor Swift, and that one guy who keeps finding Roman coins in his backyard) were perhaps more deserving. But for Trump, this honor is just another notch on the bedpost of history.
As for the future, Trump remains confident in his ability to “surprise people,” which is admittedly a safe bet given the past eight years. Whether he tears down constitutional norms or finally unveils the secret Trump Diet Coke recipe, one thing is clear: America is in for a ride.
And as Trump himself might say, “It’s the greatest ride. Believe me. Everyone says so.”
