In a move that has shocked environmentalists and delighted branding experts, President-elect Donald Trump announced today his plan to rebrand America’s national parks with names that “better reflect greatness.” The announcement came during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump unveiled his vision for what he called “the most tremendous, beautiful national parks anyone’s ever seen.”
“They’ll be YUGE, folks,” Trump declared, gesturing to a map of the United States with bold red Sharpie marks circling iconic natural landmarks. “Yosemite? We’re calling it Trump Towering Peaks. Yellowstone? Now it’s Trumpstone—like a giant, golden milestone of my presidency. And the Grand Canyon? That’s Trump’s Canyon. It’s deep, it’s wide, and people say it’s just like my impact on this country—huge.”
Reactions from the Trails
Hikers and nature enthusiasts are divided. Some see the rebranding as an opportunity for the parks to attract a new demographic. “If it gets more people outdoors, I’m all for it,” said one avid backpacker. “I’ll just have to get used to summiting Mount Trump instead of Mount Rainier.”
Others are less enthused. “I didn’t hike 2,000 miles of the Appalachian Trail just to end up at ‘Trump’s Scenic Golf Course,’” complained an irate thru-hiker.
Merchandising the Wilderness
Trump also hinted at plans to monetize the rebranding effort. “Imagine it, folks: golden plaques, luxury campgrounds, and MAGA-branded marshmallows for your campfires,” he said. He then promised that every renamed park would come equipped with at least one five-star hotel, “because let’s be honest, who really wants to sleep on the ground?”
Critics were quick to pounce on the commercial angle. “This isn’t conservation; it’s capitalization,” said a representative from the Sierra Club. “What’s next, renaming bald eagles ‘Trump’s Freedom Birds’?”
A Political Divide
Republicans have largely embraced the proposal, with some lawmakers even offering additional suggestions. Senator Lindsey Graham proposed turning Shenandoah National Park into “Trump Valley” and installing a statue of the president at every overlook. Meanwhile, Democrats were quick to label the plan as “peak narcissism.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t try to carve his face into Mount Rushmore,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Though, let’s be honest, that’s probably Phase Two.”
Nature Gets Personal
Trump ended the press conference by addressing concerns from environmental groups. “Nobody loves nature more than me,” he said. “I have the best relationship with nature. Tremendous respect. In fact, I once owned the best golf course surrounded by trees. They loved me. Beautiful trees.”
As reporters began to ask about the costs of such a rebranding effort, Trump smiled and said, “Costs? Don’t worry, Mexico will pay for it.”
For now, visitors to national parks are bracing for what could be the most controversial name changes in history. Whether you’re planning a trip to “Trump Glacier National Park” or camping at “Trump’s Monument Valley,” one thing is clear: America’s natural wonders are about to get a lot more… branded.
