WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what White House officials are calling “a critical moment for artistic justice,” President Donald Trump has declared a National Art Emergency in response to what he described as a “malicious and distorted” portrait of himself hanging in the Colorado State Capitol.
“The image is rigged. It’s crooked. It’s a disgrace to canvas and to the office of the presidency,” Trump said during an emergency press briefing held in the Rose Garden, flanked by Melania, an unlicensed Bob Ross impersonator, and a framed photo of himself giving two thumbs up.
Space Force, Assemble
Trump has ordered the United States Space Force to carry out a “classified portrait extraction operation” under the code name “Operation Real Brushstroke.” The plan involves dispatching a stealth hovercraft from an undisclosed Mar-a-Lago launchpad, with orders to retrieve the portrait “intact, unharmed, and ideally replaced with something way better.”
Leading the mission will be Kid Rock, who has reportedly been promoted to Honorary Cultural General, and an oil painting of Ronald Reagan, which Trump referred to as “the only man I trust to keep an eye on things.”
“I was going to send SEAL Team 6, but they don’t know art like Kid Rock,” Trump explained. “He gets it. He’s patriotic. And the painting of Reagan? Very powerful. Brings stability.”
A Crisis in Brushwork
The portrait in question, painted by artist Sarah Boardman, was installed as part of a long-standing tradition honoring former presidents. Trump claims the artist “intentionally made him look tired, disrespected, and at least 8 pounds heavier,” adding, “She made Obama look fantastic—almost like a young Denzel—and I looked like I just lost a golf game. Totally unfair.”
Boardman has yet to comment publicly, but insiders say she’s currently sketching a follow-up piece titled “Unbothered” while sipping tea.
Meanwhile, Trump’s inner circle has begun circulating mock-ups for a new official presidential portrait, which reportedly features Trump on horseback, shirtless, holding an American flag, with Mount Rushmore exploding in the background. The proposed caption: “History’s Favorite.”
National Response and Escalation Plans
Though Space Force has never before been deployed for a domestic art removal, officials insist they are “ready and fully trained” for the mission. One insider confirmed the hovercraft is equipped with velvet gloves, humidity-controlled art compartments, and a sound system that plays Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” on loop during extraction.
Governor Jared Polis responded to the news with a one-word statement: “Seriously?” He later added that he would be installing motion sensors, lasers, and a cardboard cutout of Lizzo to deter the federal hovercraft.
Trump hinted this may not be the last of his art crusades, stating he plans to launch a full review of all presidential portraits nationwide to weed out “bias, brushstroke fraud, and low-energy paint.”
What Happens Next?
As the Space Force prepares for the first hovercraft-based art recovery mission in U.S. history, the White House has declared this a “teachable moment” in presidential portraiture.
“It’s not about vanity,” Trump said. “It’s about truth. About showing America what greatness looks like—with good lighting.”
Follow Politicule for the latest updates on the militarization of fine art, and for live hovercraft tracking as Operation Real Brushstroke unfolds.
