PALM BEACH, FL — In a move that economists, geographers, and Iceland all immediately described as “concerning,” former President Donald Trump has revived his quest to purchase Greenland — this time adding an irresistible perk: a 2-bedroom, partial-ocean-view timeshare at Mar-a-Lago.
“I’ve always said Greenland has tremendous potential,” Trump told reporters from a golf cart idling near a sand trap. “It’s like Alaska, but colder and more Danish. You add a few golden buildings, maybe a casino shaped like a narwhal — suddenly you’ve got the new South Beach, but with glaciers.”
The Offer: One Giant Ice Cube + Complimentary Pool Access
According to a letter hand-delivered to the Danish Embassy by Eric Trump (who reportedly rang the doorbell three times and then ran away), Trump’s new deal includes:
- Full purchase of Greenland for an undisclosed sum (“probably in Dogecoin”)
- Complimentary VIP timeshare access at Mar-a-Lago (weeks 14 and 39 only, cleaning fee not included)
- One signed copy of The Art of the Deal per village
- “Unprecedented opportunity” for Greenlanders to attend Trump rallies in Boca Raton
“This is how real estate works,” Trump explained. “You offer value. Greenland gets Florida. Florida gets bragging rights. I get Greenland. Everyone’s happy. Except maybe Denmark.”
Danish Officials Politely Ask “Is This Satire?”
The Danish government has, so far, remained tactfully silent. A leaked memo from Denmark’s Foreign Ministry reportedly reads: “Under no circumstances are we trading ice for Trump-branded room keys.”
However, Trump remains optimistic. “They’re playing hard to get,” he said. “Classic negotiation. Look, I know Denmark. Big fan of Legos. I once built a replica of Trump Tower out of them. Then Eric ate it. Long story.”
“Mar-a-Greenland” in the Works
Insiders say the former president is already imagining renovations to Greenland, should the deal close. Ideas floated include:
- Renaming it “Trumplandia North”
- Melting select glaciers for “more golf course real estate”
- Constructing a luxury wall along the Arctic Circle “to keep out rogue polar bears”
- Opening a “Nordic-themed Hooters” staffed by imported models from Estonia
“I’m thinking big,” Trump said. “Arctic luxury. Cold gold. Frosted MAGA hats. You name it.”
Timeshare Terms Still Under Negotiation
The Mar-a-Lago timeshare is reportedly located in the “less flood-prone quadrant” of the resort. It includes:
- Shared pool access (between 3 and 4pm)
- 10% off at the omelet bar (excludes weekends)
- The opportunity to wave at Don Jr. from a respectful distance
Legal experts say offering a timeshare as part of an international land acquisition is “unprecedented” and “technically a bribe, maybe.”
“But it’s classy,” Trump insisted. “Not like the usual bribes. It’s a luxury bribe. Like if someone tried to buy Ukraine with a gift card to Saks Fifth Avenue. Which I would never do, by the way. Too obvious.”
Global Reaction: A Collective Arctic Facepalm
While Denmark remains diplomatically frozen, the rest of the world has weighed in.
- Canada issued a travel advisory for “emotional whiplash”
- Iceland offered to throw in Björk to keep Trump away
- Elon Musk tweeted, “I already claimed Mars. Greenland is mid.”
Meanwhile, Greenland’s Prime Minister released a four-word response to the press: “We’re not that cold.”
